Fact: The number of posts I make is directly related to the level of frustration I have with being kept from my running shoes.
Other Fact: I don't want to fold the laundry on the couch so I'm sitting at my computer instead.
This post is dedicated to my friend, Deb. I met Deb when Will was in preschool. Her son, Sergio, was in Will's class and the boys have been in school together ever since. They are now sixth graders (just typing that boggles my mind). I saw Deb at the Harrison Christmas parade last night... great night for a Christmas parade. Not too freezing, but light snow falling and lights everywhere. REALLY got me in the Christmas spirit. Deb is my "wise" friend. She is a deep thinker with lots and lots of knowledge on all kinds of topics. I could seriously sit and listen to her philosophy on life all day long. I always feel "smarter" after a good chat with Deb. She is funny and real, a combo that I'm just drawn to. She is also someone I look up to tremendously... Deb has overcome a lot of personal battles and reached amazing goals... sometimes taking a break when necessary, but always getting back in there and completing what she was after. My friends never fail to influence me to keep my eye on the prize. Never. Particularly Deb.
Last night Deb says to me "Kate, I'm enjoying your blog. It has given me a look into the twisted little mind of Kate Rewwer." Uh, what? A little off, ok. Twisted though? We then proceed to talk about how we both love to write and how therapeutic it is and how much keeping this "journal" has helped me get my thoughts about my Boston goal in order. She says she has seen tremendous growth throughout the blog. Funny, because I can feel it happening as I write too. Finally she said something that has provoked a lot of thought in the past 12 hours. She said "Do you think in some way that you are keeping this carrot dangling in front of you?" The carrot she is referring to is Boston. And I know that right away. And we talk a little bit about how she thinks that she is sometimes like that with things that she is after and I completely get what she is saying. But after much thought and consideration of her question, I have come up with the answer.
The answer in no, Deb. If I could grab that carrot and eat it right up, I would. I would have done it the first time in Columbus if I could have. I want nothing more in the universe right now that to be preparing to run the 2011 Boston Marathon. I already have the title of my next blog.... "For the Love of God, I HAVE MADE IT TO BOSTON!" And then I will write about my next adventure... you know, maybe joining my brother in an ultra-marathon. Not just to pace him for part of it, but to run the whole damn thing with him. After Columbus, Sarah even suggested I take a break (clearly for sanity's sake... gosh maybe even for HER sanity) from the Boston goal this year and focus on an ultra or something. She did that (not with ultras) and it worked like magic for her. She just revised her goals a bit after failing to get a BQ twice. When her mind and body were in a different place, she came back to it and succeeded. And you have done that too with some of your goals. This is where our differences come out. I can't do it. I've gone through phases where I'm so emotionally drained from the past two years that I just want to say "Forget it. I cannot keep doing this to myself." But in reality, I am so completely tunnel visioned when it comes to this and I won't take a break. Only after I qualify will I then allow myself to move on. Not vice versa. It's just me and we are all very different creatures and different things make us tick (as Sarah puts it). And believe me, I am not trying to drag this thing out or "keep that carrot dangling". As much as I love running and marathoning, Boston is not the end of my racing goals. It is just one that I have failed to meet and as all my writings indicate, it's driving me nuts that I haven't done it. I'm a very proud person. Like most people on earth, I want people to look at me and say "Wow! Look what she did!" I think that is what drives a lot of us in the direction we take. That, combined with a sense of accomplishment and self satisfaction, gives us the confidence we need to then set and go after our next goal. We find something we love and we dive in, head first and passionate. Because we love it, we work our asses off and also because we love it, it doesn't always feel like work. I have found I love the insanity and structure of training and therefore, I do it happily. I would, however, LOVE to be training for something other than a BQ. Actual Boston? Yes! A marathon that I can see how fast I can run it in? Yes! An ultra-marathon? Yes!
Confidence has clearly been an issue in preventing me from reaching my goal. I'm ok with putting that out there. I'm also "confident" that is was not the issue with this past marathon. My MRI is a pretty good indicator of that. When I do finally stop all the ADD blogging and write my post about training for this marathon, the growth will really come through and you will know it. But I will admit, I am still and always will be, a work in progress when it comes to this.
On a final note... the mind of Kate Rewwer is definitely twisted when it comes to racing performance and all of my crazy thoughts that confident racers cannot wrap their brains around. But this blog is only about that part of my life, therefore it screams "You are a freaking nut job!" But there are many more parts to me that are not twisted and actually pretty level headed. I do not write about my marriage or my family life (I touch on it a little because much of it impacts my running) or my career goals. All of these things make up the whole person and there are many different layers to the whole person. You are getting a look at the scared, nervous racer, but you are also seeing the confident writer and speaker. You are not getting a look at the girl who has carried herself with much confidence when going into any job interview, never doubting she'd get the job and always getting the job.... probably because she can BS pretty damn well (potential employers... really, I am smart too). I know there exists many confident racers who probably hold back in other areas of their lives due to lack of confidence. Perhaps that prohibits them from meeting their other life goals.
I will strive to be confident in all areas of my life. The racing thing.. well that has, and will continue to, take a lot of work. But I am working on it and then perhaps I can teach the things I've learned to someone else, just like many of my friends and family members have taught me. So, Deb, thanks for the thought provoking topic. You really got me thinking about this. Hell, you've got me thinking about a lot of things. And now John thanks you for keeping his wife off her tasks in the house (NOT). Your friendship is a true gift!