Friday, November 12, 2010

Summer 2009... Columbus Training... Part 2

Something different today.  Purple ink.  Just because I feel like it.  I was telling Sarah that I had what I consider a great breakthrough yesterday.  Every morning when I go downstairs to get my coffee, I feel a familiar "twinge" go up my left leg with the impact of landing on the steps.  It's not painful, however it is a reminder of what is going on in there.  I don't recall feeling it yesterday morning.  I also recall kind of "bounding" down the steps... without that feeling.  This is no way means I'm ready to lace up the running shoes and head out the door, but it is a positive breakthrough.  A step in the right direction and one day closer to being able to run.  I realize I've still got some weeks to go, but it lifted my mood like little else has since October 17th.

Back to Columbus training!  I continued to meet the Westside group every Friday at 6 a.m.  We would run a variety of routes.... downtown, clifton, the Flying Pig course, which as I recall, was a 21.something mile run!  Because I was an exacto-maniac at the time, I remember thinking Kathleen was crazy for picking this route because "it was not 20 miles and my training plan said 20 miles, not 21."  Oh my, I can hardly type some of these things without cracking up at myself.  One particular 20 mile run took us through Clifton to Hyde Park.  Now I mentioned this group liked to stop for pastries, didn't I?  Well what better place to stop than the Bon Bonerie in O'bryonville!  That was pretty much 10 miles out and was our turn around point.  Bill was on this run with us that morning.  I had gotten a little wiser and was now also eating pastries with them... there is zero guilt on a 20 mile run.  If there is, you've got issues.  We walked outside to eat our snacks and Kathleen started making fun of Bill.  Bill was sipping a piping hot cup of coffee.  Remember, this was summer.  We had just run 10 miles and the thermometer was inching toward a very warm day.  We were all drenched in sweat, craving something ice cold... and there was Bill.  Man, nothing says refreshing like a steaming hot cup of coffee outside on a 90 degree day during a 20 mile run, right?  It was a little amusing, and added some humor at a point where I was losing mine.  That was the day they took me up Westwood Northern Blvd.  HOLY.MOTHER.OF. GOD!!!  We got to the bottom of Westwood Northern Blvd.  The group stopped.  Now it was Gretchen, Kathleen, Ken and myself.  Bill and his coffee took a different way home.  I should have known by the conversation that I was about to get my ass kicked.  I really should have had my cell phone handy, ready to call John to come get me.  I think the conversation went something like this..."Should we take her up this?"  "I don't know, Kathleen.  She may not ever come back with us."  "Well, it'll be good initiation."  Yes, THEY were a little reluctant and THEY were used to this crap.  And so we began.. the rolling hills of a very long road that seemed to never end.  Hill after hill with no relief.  Not just short steep hills or long mild inclines.  These were long, steep, repetitive hills.... and after 14 or 15 miles into this run, I was simply out of gas.  Gretchen and Kathleen were way up ahead.  Ken stayed back with me.  When the torture finally ended, I could barely run anymore.  We still had a mile or so to go to get to our cars and I felt like I had just finished a difficult marathon.  My legs were reduced to a shuffle.  According to my Garmin, we hit 20 miles before we got to our cars.  I started to walk the rest of the way and Kathleen said "Come on.  Run it in.  Slowly, but just keep running."  I started to realize I was way out of my league with this group.  The run ended and I collapsed onto the seat of my car, but not before yelling "See ya next week!"  I too, was becoming a sick, torture loving freak.

I continued to enjoy the company, learning so much about each of them, all the while being pushed to run a bit harder when tired.  These runs were priceless.  I would not have done this running alone back then.  Kathleen told me over and over, "You will do so great in Columbus.  You are a strong runner.  Don't worry so much.  Keep coming with us and you'll get there." For the first half of those runs, I believed her.  I was excited and confident.  But as the weeks to Columbus closed in, something deadly was entering my mind... doubt.

I ran alone during the week.  I never seemed to push myself as hard as I did with the Westside group.  I definitely got the miles in and I was definitely getting faster.  I did what my training plan told me to do.  Every day, regardless of how I felt.  If I felt great, but the "schedule" said easy, I took it easy.  If I was having a bad day and the schedule said "pace", I pushed it.  That was not the right thing to do.  The biggest thing I have learned is to LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!  If you are having a bad day, take it easy.  There is a message from your brain.  Listen to it.  If you feel really good, PUSH YOURSELF... HARD!  Get yourself to that heaving, gasping, can't get your breath, burning legs point.  It feels bad, but is critical to performance improvement.  Those were hard lessons to learn, but I'm happy to report, I've learned them.

As Columbus got closer, I began to think about my last marathon.  The 2007 Flying Pig, where I clocked a 4:52.  Two years later, with no other marathons, I was going to need to clock a 3:45.  That is a 1 hour and 7 minute difference.  That is HUGE.  I remember the way I felt during the Flying Pig.  A 4:52 was THE BEST I had.  I gave everything in that marathon and took a month to recover.  How in the world did I think I could go out and drop that kind of time on my very next marathon?  I began to obsess over this, becoming increasingly anxious and doubt ridden as the the time passed by.  Everyone that knew I was training would say "Can't wait to see you qualify!  You are so going to do this... you and Sarah, running Boston.  How cool!"  My sister Maggie also informed me she would be flying in to see the "big event" happen.  She was going to be there when I qualified.  I could not take it anymore.  I wanted to tell everyone that I wasn't sure I could do this.  That I'd been looking at my times and that according to a virtual running forum I was part of, it looked like the BEST I could do was a 4 hour marathon.  But no, I kept quite, saying I was "excited" and looking forward to the race.  I was looking forward to that race as much as one looks forward to taking a final exam which they haven't studied for.  Boston was looming.  Sarah was counting on the person who convinced her to try again.  And I was a mental mess.

About two weeks before the race, I'd had enough.  The taper was in full swing (by the way, tapering sucks.  It always makes me frazzled) and I wasn't sleeping well due to the anxiety over this marathon.  I finally came out and started setting the stage when people would talk about Columbus.  I'd say things like "You know, I don't know if I'll qualify.  Hopefully I will, but I'm just not sure.  If I do, it will be to the second."  There it was.  My out.  Now it would not be expected.  By me, or by anyone else.  Only one person was not having it.  Sarah.  "Bullshit."  Was the response I got from her.  "You are ready and you HAVE to get your mind ready, Kate.  You cannot go into this with doubt.  You have to be confident.  Trust me.  You are ready." She had no idea the extremes of my negativity.  Blah, blah, blah.  That is all I heard.  I just don't know if I can do this and that is that.  My mind has nothing to do with qualifying or not qualifying.  I didn't realize I was a damn rookie that didn't know shit last year.

Marathon weekend arrived.  John and I drove up to the expo on Saturday, October 17th.  I don't remember a lot about it the expo other than the overwhelming feeling of wanting to vomit.  So much of that day is a blur.  We met a group for dinner... Sarah, Susan (running the half), Maggie (in from Houston) and our best friends from Columbus, Krista and Martin.  Krista was also running the half.  Being with her set me a bit at ease and took my mind off of the race for a bit.  Her light-hearted, easy going fun nature is infectious and I actually do remember relaxing a bit at dinner (the wine may have helped too).  I think Sarah may have convinced me to have a glass of wine.  She was so in-tuned to the anxiety I was having and thought it would help... (a sign of my progress would be that her recommendation this year was chocolate milk with dinner.  Not wine :)  After a nice dinner with my sister, friends and husband, we said our goodbyes and headed back to the hotel for bed.  I got to the hotel and got all my stuff ready for the morning... shoes with chip tied on, Garmin charged and ready, race number pinned on, 3:45 pace band laying out.  Everything was ready and I was miserable.  Every remark that came out of my mouth that evening to John was bitchy.  I snapped at him from the time we stepped foot into that room until I turned out the lights.... which I finally did... laying awake absolutely dreading the task at hand the next day.  It was a feeling like no other and that I will never repeat again.  Tomorrow I was going to "try" to qualify for the Boston Marathon while MY world watched on-line.  I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours and at some point, did drift off into a restless slumber.

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