Hard Wired

If you've ever asked anyone in passing "Hey, how's it going?"  The response is usually "good, how 'bout you?"  That response is what is called "hard wired."  An automatic response to a frequently asked question.  This excludes the occasional soul that needs to tell you chapter and verse of their miserable existence (we all know those types).

While in New Jersey for my uncle's funeral on Tuesday, I got the chance to sit down and talk to my aunt, his widow, about the progression of his brain cancer.  One of the things she began to notice was that he was doing things that were routine at odd times.  For example, he was taking a medication that was really interfering with his sleep patterns.  He'd fall asleep at 7 pm, wake up at 9 pm and think it was morning.  He'd go out to the yard and look for his morning paper, just as he did every single day of his adult life.  My aunt, very concerned with his behavior, called the nurses who frequently cared for him and questioned the behavior.  "Mary, that response is hard wired.  It's what he's always done and it's automatic.  He thinks it's morning, therefore, he goes for the paper... just like he does every morning."  She continued to give more examples of things he did that were "hard wired", or so routine that they were as automatic as breathing.  During a tribute to his father, my cousin talked about how he had gotten used to the smell of coffee brewing at 4:30 am.  His father was a "VERY early riser".  Sounds pretty normal to me :)

I began to think about the concept of being hard wired.  We all are in some ways.  Some of those ways are helpful and productive (making sure no dishes are in the sink before going to bed at night, folding laundry and putting it away as soon as it comes out of the dryer... and by the way these are not examples of how I roll).  Others are harmful... angry outbursts, bad language that rolls off your tongue like nothing (can't think of anyone I know like that offhand...) and running (seriously, you DID know this was coming, right?).

Though my habits haven't been formed over my lifetime, they've been around long enough for them to become hard wired, which makes them so difficult to change.  Getting up, starting the coffee and coming back upstairs to get on running clothes and check e-mail while coffee brewed was automatic for me.  Every day but Friday, this was the routine.  Long run, short run, tempo, track or hills.  Didn't matter.  The day always started the same even if the workout was different.  Rewiring this portion of my brain during injury has been difficult but I've adjusted.  I've been anxious to get that routine back, as proven by the number of times I've started running (and making sure that I recalled my pre-injury routine) only to have to take more time off.

The other part that has become hard wired is that I'm always looking to the next marathon.  I run a marathon, take some time to recover and then look toward the next one.  It's normal, right?  Maybe not, but it had become normal.  Sure, most of this centered around which marathon I could use as a BQ after a failed attempt, but I think had I made Boston or not, this would continue (maybe in the form of ultras!)  And so, even in the face of injury, because this is what I always do, I looked toward my next marathon, the Flying Pig.  I registered right away, got the early bird discount and felt that surely I'd be ready to train when the time came to start.  Well I wasn't.  So I've looked at plans that require less time, but still will get me what I want.  And I'm anxious so I start running again.  And things go well, so I go faster.  And then I'm hurting again.... running marathons and qualifying for Boston has become hard wired.

I decide I'll take two full weeks off.  Regardless of how I good I may feel after one... I am going to be smart and take two.  I feel great after a few days, wait out the first week, remember that time is ticking by for marathon training, get anxious and think one week is good enough.  See where I'm going here?  Stupidity and stubbornness are also hard wired.

So it is for that reason that I have decided to switch my registration for the Flying Pig to the half marathon instead of the full.  That and my husband simply cannot take another season of a devastated wife who not only didn't qualify, but now can't run Chicago because she trained too hard on a bum calf and screwed things up during the full Flying Pig.  This decision is HARD!  Taking time off from going for a BQ was NOT something I was going to do.  I was going to run myself into the ground if that is what it took until I scratched that damn marathon off my bucket list.  I'd been advised to "Give it a break.  Go back to it later, when your mind is in a better place" and I've always scoffed at the idea, thinking that I would never be satisfied doing anything else until my goal was achieved.  And perhaps I won't be satisfied, but this is necessary or I am certain I will pay dearly for what I will put my body through when it's injured.  In other words, I must go back to this when my body is in a better place.

So I must now change my wiring.  Not easy, but doable.  The beauty of being human is that we can do that.  We are not animals that react ONLY out of instinct.  We have the ability to decision make and problem solve and hard as it may be, make changes.

God, please heal me enough so that I don't have to adjust my hard wiring again and run only the Flying Pig 5k the day before.  Amen.