Balancing Act

Toward the end of my walk, I came to the conclusion that I really appreciate the steps taken to reach goals. I honor the work, I like the journey, I cherish the results, but I always find something in the end result that enlightens me. In every preparation there is a lesson to be learned. With every lesson, I'm inspired to try again for a better result.   Deena Kastor



This is a timely Runner's World quote of the day.


It's been a busy couple of weeks.  Spring is beginning and spring is always crazy around our house.  Ok, so are fall, summer and winter.  But for some reason, we always seem just insane in the spring.  John and I tend to snap at each other more no matter how we try to prepare and divvy up the tasks of household stuff and kid shuffling.  We are simply stretched very thin and it shows.  I feel the beginnings of that again, only this time I am more agitated, more easily annoyed and more tired.  Time for some changes.


I am finding that training for the Flying Pig half marathon is quite anti-climactic.  I can't get into it.  Yes, I have a time goal, but reaching it doesn't get me anywhere.  Of course there is something to be said for the self satisfaction of a PR, but still.  Perhaps it is because deep down inside there is an ultra-marathoner trying to get out, but the right time has not presented itself and won't for a while.  So training to run 13.1 fast miles is not giving me the running satisfaction I have gotten from full marathon training.  There are no mid-week 10 mile "thinking" runs.  Everything is short and fast, and usually with company.  I am realizing there are 3 types of runners in this world.  The type that love to run in the company of others, the type that enjoy the peace of a solo run, and the type that enjoy both.  I am that 3rd type of runner.


For me, running with a group has done amazing things.  First of all, I've developed wonderful friendships through group running.  There is something to be said about showing up at insane hours of the day, working side by side with someone, feeling the same physical challenges and hardships, pulling each other and sometimes providing and receiving much needed encouragement, praise and let's not forget THERAPY!  There are many moments of humor as well.  There are discussions about families, our goals (sometimes they have nothing to do with running), and our fears.  I realize the these runs are the very thing that keep us getting up despite the exhausting and grinding routine of early mornings and late nights.  For me, they are necessary to keep me in it.


But I miss my longer solo runs (and this is where I really believe I am ultra running material)  I feel a void right now when it comes to running and training.  Every once in a while I need to go and find my own pace.  Be is slow or fast, depending on how I feel that day.  I need to get lost in thought and in prayer.  I need silence and I need solitude.  Being the mother of four children rarely provides me any solitude.  And when I'm alone, I'm trying to use my time wisely and so much of that time when Lucy is at school is spent doing "tasks".  I continue to add things to my schedule... coaching, coordinating, whatever... in an attempt to contribute, stay happily busy and set an example for my kids.  But in reality I am stressed out, exhausted and unsettled.  Even in the midst of marathon training last year, when I was nervous and scared and trying to hide it (this was for the Pig a year ago), I had those mid-week runs that were a little longer than speed work runs.  I didn't always look forward to them, but I now see their value.  I was usually alone and thinking, praying or listening to music.  I always felt an great deal of peace when I was finished.


And so I have decided that I will devote all my Wednesday runs to this type of run.  I'm penciling it in and making a weekly date with God.  I will run what I feel, be it 10 miles or 3.  I will run whatever pace is hitting me that day regardless of what a "schedule" is calling for.  I will try to figure out how to solve any problems I may be having, be it how to convince Lucy that wearing a sleeveless summer dress is not appropriate on a 30 degree day or how to achieve world peace. No subject will be off limits.


My other days will be spent doing the other kind of running I love... enjoying the company of friends and pushing myself to be a better runner.  I feel this will be the perfect "balancing act."


As for the above quote and in follow-up to my last blog entry, well, I've done a lot of thinking.  Whether I can actually ever get in to run Boston or not is a non-issue.  I set out to qualify for the marathon and until I do, ultras are on hold.