I See the Light - lyrics (Tangled)

Last fall, I took Lucy and Emma to see the movie Tangled. It is the the story of Rapunzel, made into a modern movie by Disney. I know it was after the Columbus Marathon and during a pretty dark time in my running life. One of the songs struck me. As a matter of fact, I remember tearing up in the theatre (thank God it was dark... I swear). The words were quite powerful, yes, even for a Disney movie. I remember thinking..."I really hope someday these setbacks all makes sense and come together for me." I thought it while listening to the song. Now grant it, Rapunzel and Flynn (the love interest in the movie) are of course, referring to each other when they sing it. But nonetheless, I guarantee it spoke to a lot of people on a lot of levels who have had setbacks that they have overcome.

Last week, my friend Kim sent me a Facebook post about an Ironman champion who was unable to compete in a race that he was fully trained for due to illness. To work that hard and for that long and then be sidelined by illness. Sickening thought, really. He talked about how angry he was and how devastated he was over this turn of events. But came to realize that God had other plans for him that day. The athlete of whom I speak was born with a congenital defect and was missing his left hand (I think that is what I remember in his pictures). Instead of competing, he went to a Helping Hands conference and spoke to and met hundreds of kids with disabilities similar to his. Not only did he inspire them, but was also inspired BY them. That day, he was exactly where he was meant to be.

What I am learning about myself as a runner is that my quest for a BQ has never really been about running. My friend, Deb, pointed that out not too long ago and I'm not sure I FULLY believed it until two weekends ago when I attending a CHRP weekend for our parish. During that weekend, I received letters from family and friends. Some of those referred to my running as examples of how I've helped THEM or inspired THEM to do more, work harder and be better... not just at running, but at life. I was majorly humbled. A very clear picture has begun to unfold as I reflect on some of their words. My journey to Boston and now to ultra-running has NOTHING to do with running itself. Rather it is the tool God has chosen to use to help me better myself not just physically, but spiritually. When He created me, he sprinkled a bit of vanity and competitiveness in the mix. Just enough to make running the perfect tool. And so I am absolutely conviced.... I'm where I'm meant to be. As are most of us. At last... I see the light!

P.S.... Easter Bunny if you are reading, I think my girls would LOVE this adorable movie in their basket. And I would like the new Brad Paisley autobiography... available April 10th (or something like that).

Really cool idea or recipe for disaster?

This is the perfect morning for a post.  I am enjoying a much needed morning off from cycling, running or strength work.  Or I should say that my legs are enjoying it.  A hilly trail run following a kick ass spinning class did them in yesterday.  I'm hoping that only giving them one day of rest will be enough to come out of tomorrow's 15k race with at the very least, my pride intact.... and by that I mean by finishing before the half marathoners start rolling in.

 I cannot possibly explain the appeal of ultra running, but it is tremendous.  Two miles into my trail run yesterday I was ready to collapse.  I cracked the joke to Sarah about "only 48 more miles to go" as we were both gasping and complaining about our legs being fried from spinning.  She knows I want to run an ultra this year and I've talked about them and that many of them require quite a bit of trail running.  So here we are, running on a trail for a couple of miles, and I'm thinking how ridiculous I am for thinking I want to do this for MANY miles.  Of course part of that has to do with the fact that we were not running an "ultra pace" by any means.  We did leave our Garmins at home and decided we were just going to go "easy" and chat.  Well hard as we try, Sarah and I might quite possibly never, ever run and easy run together... and here is why I think we won't.  We compete with each other even when we run easy.  Oh yes, we do!  She is faster so her easy pace requires some effort on my part.  And knowing that we are sometimes running her "comfortable pace" irritates me when I'm not comfortable and I refuse to slow down.  On the contrary, if she is tired or her legs are fried, no way in HELL is she going to allow me to have to slow down to accommodate her.  Too much pride involved for both of us.  But it works and we really enjoy running together and we usually end with the comment "ok, next time we will go easy..." knowing damn well it ain't gonna happen.  Perhaps too is the fact that we don't get to run together very often so there is something to be said about making it count when we do.

I've begun my research of ultra training.  I'm not sure I've ever seen so many different approaches to racing than I'm seeing as I dig further and further in the world of ultras.  What it boils down to is doing what works best for each runner.  Profound, huh?  Marathon training by contrast (and any distance less than that) has some key components to training that are standard.  However you mix them up during the week is up to you, but to run a successful race, you should make sure every run has a purpose.... speed work (which have many types.. hill repeats, tempo runs, track work), easy runs (or "recovery runs"), pace runs and long runs.  Provided one does not overtrain or become injured, mixing this scientifically tested hodgepodge of runs guarantees one's greatest chance of successfully meeting their goal.  With ultra running, unless you are out to win it, the name of the game is survival and finishing.  I don't mean like surviving for real (although I keep reading about horror stories of critical runners who suffer from severe hypo-natremia... too little sodium), but rather escaping broken bones, ulcerative foot blisters and injury so great that one is out for a looonnggg time.  And given my history with things gone wrong, I begin to wonder what the heck I'm doing jumping into double marathon mileage and what makes me think I can possibly do something like this.  But at the same time, I feel extremely excited.  So much so that I want to go drink flat Coke or Mt. Dew and eat a boiled potato for breakfast.

My goal for my first ultra is a finish.  According to not just one source, one can do this on as little as 30 miles a week... basically right around where I am right now.  The biggest factor, of course, being the long run.  Some have suggested this is very possible without ever running more than 22 miles at a given time.  This is encouraging for me as I try to wrap my brain around how I will ever fit in the time to do consistent 30 plus mile long runs.  One guy does a lot of mid week cycling to replace running, but makes sure he gets a long run in every single week.  He runs his ultras well and recovers quickly.  Guess what?  He also never gets an over-training injury!  However it was stated that this does not work for everyone and that some people do require significantly more mileage to pull this off.  Again, depends on the person.  So I begin to think about what category I may fall into.  If time and family were not a factor, I'd opt to run as many miles as I possibly could because, well, I enjoy it.  But I don't have that luxury and I have kind of proven there is a fine line between enough and too much when it comes to what my body will handle.  The amount of time I was required to take off to heal my calf did not set me back nearly what it should have, proving that alternative sources of intense cardio (aka cycling) really were a terrific substitute.  Very encouraging as I was just thinking how much I'd love to get on my bike more this summer!

So now I hop into the land of planning and experimenting.  Just how much running should I do?  I'm going to continue cycling twice a week as well as doing my TRX for strength.  I don't know if I'll increase my weekly running mileage much at all, but I will start thinking about a strategy for long runs this summer.  I'm thinking once a month I will do back to back Saturday and Sunday long runs... one morning being trails at Mt. Airy and one being country roads in Harrison.  Still thinking I'll throw a couple of marathons in for good measure :).

The bottom line is this... I want to do this because I love to run distance a lot and there is something so damn appealing about the raw athleticism and mental edge it takes to do something like this.  I think I've got it now... correction... I KNOW I've got it now.  I'm happy when my toenails are black, when there is salt dried on my face, when my quads hurt going from a sitting to a standing position and when my socks stick to an open blister on my foot.  And to think my friends call me a princess!

I'm certain Jesus was an ultramarathoner

Ok, so maybe my last post was a bit deceptive.  I simply changed the title.  But I meant it when I said it was the last post under the old blog name... and I won't be officially "training" for a while, but I can start the mental process in switching my brain to the ultra-marathon mentality.

Last night I told my dad that my friend Karen and I often talk about the "narrow gate to Heaven" and how we fear that the gate gets narrower every day.  My dad says it is because as we age our metabolisms slow down and we get bigger, therefore the gate gets smaller.  Now do you get why I want to run ultras?  Next time you are at Church, take a good look at Jesus on the cross.  After thanking him for giving his life for us, take the time to notice his build.  The man was a running machine I'm sure!  My brother Jack noticed it too... his thin muscular build screams "I am a distance runner!"  And since our ultimate goal in life is to get to Heaven and to do that, we must emulate Christ in our actions, my decision to run ultras makes perfect sense.  And as a bonus, it burns tons of calories.

Welcome to my next journey.  Prayers for mental strength, spiritual growth and an injury free adventure!

Moving on...

This is going to be my last post for this blog.  The time that I never thought would come has indeed arrived.  It has taken me several days to let this decision absorb because it is an admission that I am indeed doing something that I for so long refused to do.  I am putting my Boston goal on the back burner and moving on to other things for a bit.  My life has been clouded and been at a standstill for quite sometime because of my inability to execute my BQ goal.  And because of this, I am never fully living the life I was put here to live.  Does this mean I will no longer hope to run a marathon with the time goal of sub 3:40?  Heck no!  But a BQ will not be my goal for my next marathon.  No, my next marathon will hopefully be run as a long run in preparation for an ultra.  The one I have my eye on is the JFK 50 in November.  

I know to many this comes as no surprise.  I have toyed with the idea for nearly 2 years starting when my brother Jack began talking about running crazy distances with some of the runners from his running group.  You see, to many, this sounds like a miserable way to spend one's day.  Running 50 miles or further.  What is the point?  Well to me, it sounds like something I would love to try.  I'm not sure why it intrigues me so much, but it does.  Running distances with no time goal or pace in mind, but rather what hits you at the moment, is very soothing to me.  I do like to race, but I certainly wasn't born to do it.  I like what comes from busting ass and seeing what I can do, but even more I like just going and going and going and at times, feeling like it is effortless.  So I've decided to go for it.  No way do I think 50 miles is going to be effortless!  The thought of running two consecutive marathons on the same day is quite daunting, but I want to try it.  What my last marathon showed me is that I am very capable of pushing through immeasurable pain if I decide to do it.  Most people are, but most decide not to (most people are smarter than I).

There was a time when I really needed Boston to define me as a runner.  As in "Yes, I am a real runner BECAUSE I have qualified for Boston."  This was an unfair and unnecessary way to label myself and I do believe that I have reached a level of maturity that now makes me realize this.  I know lots of runners that will never qualify for Boston, but are more dedicated and committed to the sport of running than most.  To think they are not "real runners" is simply stupid.

I have now entered training territory that will be pretty lonely I imagine.  None of my friends has any desire to do this.  My brother will do it with me and will take me on many of the trail runs that he had done in prep for his ultras.  But really, some things you just don't discuss with your brother!  So therapy time will be spent on shorter runs (you know, like 20 milers or something... ok, that just SOUNDS crazy) in the company of those friends running Chicago or in the company of those friends just aimlessly logging miles with no race in sight.... simply providing their friendship and pacing skills.  Some of those long runs will be in the form of marathons... without the pressure of qualifying.  Can't wait to see what comes of a "long run" which just happens to have a timing chip strapped to my shoelace.  Many times how I wished I had one on some of my training long runs!

My biggest fan and source of support..My husband

Thanks to everyone who followed my story.  It is not the end, just a detour.  Thank you to the many who sent very kind e-mails that were both thought provoking and motivating in response to some of my entries.  Many days your words lifted me up during some very down moments.  For the first time in a very long time I feel very excited and at ease.

Stay tuned.... the inevitable BQ will be announced in the ultra blog!

Four biggest reasons to never quit

The friend who has been with me through all the good bad and just plain crazy... Sarah

Balancing Act

Toward the end of my walk, I came to the conclusion that I really appreciate the steps taken to reach goals. I honor the work, I like the journey, I cherish the results, but I always find something in the end result that enlightens me. In every preparation there is a lesson to be learned. With every lesson, I'm inspired to try again for a better result.   Deena Kastor



This is a timely Runner's World quote of the day.


It's been a busy couple of weeks.  Spring is beginning and spring is always crazy around our house.  Ok, so are fall, summer and winter.  But for some reason, we always seem just insane in the spring.  John and I tend to snap at each other more no matter how we try to prepare and divvy up the tasks of household stuff and kid shuffling.  We are simply stretched very thin and it shows.  I feel the beginnings of that again, only this time I am more agitated, more easily annoyed and more tired.  Time for some changes.


I am finding that training for the Flying Pig half marathon is quite anti-climactic.  I can't get into it.  Yes, I have a time goal, but reaching it doesn't get me anywhere.  Of course there is something to be said for the self satisfaction of a PR, but still.  Perhaps it is because deep down inside there is an ultra-marathoner trying to get out, but the right time has not presented itself and won't for a while.  So training to run 13.1 fast miles is not giving me the running satisfaction I have gotten from full marathon training.  There are no mid-week 10 mile "thinking" runs.  Everything is short and fast, and usually with company.  I am realizing there are 3 types of runners in this world.  The type that love to run in the company of others, the type that enjoy the peace of a solo run, and the type that enjoy both.  I am that 3rd type of runner.


For me, running with a group has done amazing things.  First of all, I've developed wonderful friendships through group running.  There is something to be said about showing up at insane hours of the day, working side by side with someone, feeling the same physical challenges and hardships, pulling each other and sometimes providing and receiving much needed encouragement, praise and let's not forget THERAPY!  There are many moments of humor as well.  There are discussions about families, our goals (sometimes they have nothing to do with running), and our fears.  I realize the these runs are the very thing that keep us getting up despite the exhausting and grinding routine of early mornings and late nights.  For me, they are necessary to keep me in it.


But I miss my longer solo runs (and this is where I really believe I am ultra running material)  I feel a void right now when it comes to running and training.  Every once in a while I need to go and find my own pace.  Be is slow or fast, depending on how I feel that day.  I need to get lost in thought and in prayer.  I need silence and I need solitude.  Being the mother of four children rarely provides me any solitude.  And when I'm alone, I'm trying to use my time wisely and so much of that time when Lucy is at school is spent doing "tasks".  I continue to add things to my schedule... coaching, coordinating, whatever... in an attempt to contribute, stay happily busy and set an example for my kids.  But in reality I am stressed out, exhausted and unsettled.  Even in the midst of marathon training last year, when I was nervous and scared and trying to hide it (this was for the Pig a year ago), I had those mid-week runs that were a little longer than speed work runs.  I didn't always look forward to them, but I now see their value.  I was usually alone and thinking, praying or listening to music.  I always felt an great deal of peace when I was finished.


And so I have decided that I will devote all my Wednesday runs to this type of run.  I'm penciling it in and making a weekly date with God.  I will run what I feel, be it 10 miles or 3.  I will run whatever pace is hitting me that day regardless of what a "schedule" is calling for.  I will try to figure out how to solve any problems I may be having, be it how to convince Lucy that wearing a sleeveless summer dress is not appropriate on a 30 degree day or how to achieve world peace. No subject will be off limits.


My other days will be spent doing the other kind of running I love... enjoying the company of friends and pushing myself to be a better runner.  I feel this will be the perfect "balancing act."


As for the above quote and in follow-up to my last blog entry, well, I've done a lot of thinking.  Whether I can actually ever get in to run Boston or not is a non-issue.  I set out to qualify for the marathon and until I do, ultras are on hold.