Thanks a lot, BAA!

This morning I hear one sound in my mind.  It is the voice of the GPS lady who speaks when you go off the planned route.  You inevitably hear  "RE-CALCU-LATING..."

The BAA (Boston Athletic Association) has, as expected, shaken things up a bit.  They have decided to not only change the registration process beginning in 2012, but have also decided to lower the qualifying times by 5 minutes for both men and women in each age group category.  Ok, that is not so bad, nor is it unexpected.  The implementation of the 5 minute rule will not go into effect until 2012 and will not affect the 2012 qualifying times.  But the registration process has really changed and is likely to determine if I will ever run Boston.

Beginning with registration for the 2012 Boston Marathon (which will take place this September), a rolling registration process will begin.  The first day of registration will go to those men and women finishing under 20 minutes of their needed qualifying time.  So for me to register in September, on the opening registration day, I will need to run a qualifying marathon in under 3 hours and 25 minutes.  Day two opens for those who have qualified in under 10 minutes of their time needed.  Day three I believe is open registration.  Ok, so now I know so many people will fall into the day three category and it will simply be a race to the computer on that day.  BUT, since my next planned marathon was not until Chicago on October 9th this year, I will be out for 2012, as Boston will surely close if not on day three, before.

So now I have two options... Run a summer marathon (OH HELL... I HATE HEAT), which means training begins for a full sooner than expected.  Run that marathon in my current qualifying time or less and then hope for the best when registration opens.  OR... raise my expectations for a marathon finishing time next year... faster marathon.  THEN, hope I can get in.  If this is all sounding pretty confusing, it is.  I am crazy confused.

When I started this, my goal was to run a marathon in 3:45 or less then register for and run the Boston Marathon.  During this 2 1/2 year time period, I've attempted 3 times.  So I've had my chance and fallen short.  Through it all, I have to admit, it has become more of a steel grit quest to "prove" something rather than achieve the dream of running Boston.  It has become more of a "YOU WILL NOT KEEP ME OUT, YOU SON OF A BITCH.  I AM BETTER THAN YOUR STUPID STANDARDS."  Well apparently the president of the BAA has been reading my blog and picked up on that because he just threw a big fat "OH YEAH?  WATCH ME!"

So what do I do now?  If this is some sort of message, what may that be?  Is it "Let's see what you are made of.. keep going, press on, train harder and conquer this.  If you leave this, you are nothing but a quitter and 2 1/2 years has been wasted."  Or is it "It is time to change course and that's ok.  You love running distance and clearly so much of the joy has been clouded with getting to Boston.  Free yourself.  Move on to ultras like you want.  This Boston change is what you needed in order to allow yourself to do it."

I have no freaking idea.

Happy Valentine's Day!

This one is because it's Valentine's Day.  And I post it at the risk of certain readers gagging and saying "Oh gimme a break!"  But I must.  John deserves it.  So feel free to skip it.  I don't want anyone to lose their lunch.

Of absolutely anyone in my life that deserves thanks and gratitude for helping me get where I am, and continues until I get where I want to be, it is John.  What that man has put up in the past three years deserves an honorary medal to say the least.  Countless long runs, weekend races and a tired wife has been the life he's lived.  In addition to putting up with all these things, he's acted excited and interested (for the most part) about the things I've done and want to do.  I know he doesn't want me to say this, but I don't care.... my blog.... this summer he started running.  John has always hated running.  He seemed to be following some sort of schedule that I couldn't quite figure out.  I was unsure of his motivation since he really didn't seem to want any advice from me.  Every weekend, he'd go out and do a "long run" until one day, he ran 13.1 miles by himself.  To tell you the truth, I was more irritated about it than anything because he'd pick the most inconvenient times to go out.  I know, can you believe what a bitch I was after all my training to act annoyed with him?  I'm telling you, I'm his ticket to Heaven.  So anyway, he comes home and brags about how he ran a half marathon for FREE that day.  And started in on why I would pay to run when there are plenty of miles out there you can run at no cost.  I gave him two words.. "t-shirt and medal".  He seemed unimpressed.

Fast forward to the expo at the Columbus Marathon.  I am in my semi-nervous (not freaking out) state, but at least enjoying the expo more than I had the previous year.  We were walking out and John told me that he'd started running so that he could run the last half of the marathon with me.  He said that he wasn't able to get the pace I would be running (turns out he probably could have.. HA!) so he had decided against it.  Again, John hates running.  This was for me and what I would consider the most unselfish act anyone has ever done for me  (ok, minus my parents who unselfishly raised me for many, many years...)  To begin training in the blazing, bloody heat, doing something you don't like at all in an effort to help your wife accomplish something she wanted so badly, is in a nutshell, amazing.

If there is anyone I want to get to Boston for more than myself, it is him.  Twenty three years, four crazy kids, insane schedule juggling, lots of sorrow, joy and humor... I would do it a thousand times over again.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Mission Accomplished, sort of.

Today's race was a good one.  I did what I set out to do and that was to run my first official 5k in 4 years in under 23 minutes.  I ran it in 22:54.  I did what I knew I would do.. I went out too fast.  About a quarter mile in to the race, I felt winded but almost like I was going slowly.  I'll attribute that to the head wind we faced in the beginning of the first loop.  I looked at my watch and my pace was 6:46.  I knew that was just a hair off my hopes of maintaining a 7:20 pace throughout.  I'll say it again.. I do not know how to pace myself for short distances.

Two weeks ago, I went out with the hopes of maintaining a pace of 7:10.  I figured that would be an aggressive goal coming out of an injury, but not impossible given how well the spinning classes and the elliptical were working for me during my running downtime.  That was where I tanked after 2 miles and began to think I was much further behind than I thought.  So I switched my goal.  I would try to keep my pace around 7:20 for this race and try to accept that I needed to get back to the track and also hit the hills again.  I thought, "As long as I can finish under the 23 minute mark, I will not panic and I will feel like I haven't lost a whole lot."  And so I did.

Things I did not do.... I did not run thankfully.  I ran uncomfortably.  I did not run happy.  I was too busy being irritated that I could not quite get close enough to the second finishing female (the first finishing female was none other than my BFF, Sarah.  And if I couldn't have first, then I can't think of who I would want to get it more.).  I thought of all the reasons why I didn't like 5k racing.  It feels so physically awful to push like that.  3.1 miles seems like nothing to someone who loves distance.  And it isn't if you are running it not at 5k race pace!

Things I DID do... told myself several times that I was fine and I could hang in there despite how uncomfortable it was.  Cussed that I didn't bring music.  Mentally flipped off the sweet volunteer in my way offering me a water cup when I didn't want one.  Thought about the girls I came with who were simultaneously pushing through a lot of discomfort to reach the finish.  Girls, I can't tell ya how much that kept me running as hard as I could.  No matter what differing paces we were all running, we were all doing the same thing... running hard and running uncomfortably.

And finally, I came home, hopped on the computer, plugged in my stats for Runner's World race predictor calculator and based on my 5k time, came up with a marathon predicted finish time of 3:39.

For now, I'll take it.

Back in the Saddle

Today I am "racing" a 5k.  It is my first race since the marathon.  It is the first race after taking time off to heal my calf.  It is actually my first "timed" 5k in nearly 4 years, where I am racing for my own time, not accompanying someone else.  And now I'm going to say it.... I am nervous.  I am nervous because I am not an experienced 5k runner.  I like to run longer distances at a more reasonable pace.  I don't know how to pace myself for a 5k.  Or not one that I'm racing anyway.

I know what I'd like my avg pace to be.  Two weeks ago, I went out to test myself at that pace.  I completely died at 2 miles.  So then I realize that this could be the result of the time off and lack of speed work in months.  Or could be simply the result of inexperience at this type of racing.  I am trying to arrive at today's race with zero time expectations, but I can't.  I know what I'd like to get.  And no, I'm not going to say what that may be.

Last night when I went to bed, I wanted to get into "racing" mode.  This is the mode where I try to get into a mentally tough state and remind myself that the race will hurt and that I'm ready and willing to let it.  So of course, I pick up my favorite book on training your brain to race well.  Let me back track by saying that I was a bit disturbed by the nerves I was experiencing because I'd worked so hard to become a calm and confident racer.  And because this race doesn't matter one bit and that I'm doing it because I love this.  And no one has any time expectation for me or really cares what I get.... except me.  So why the heck am I nervous?

I have read this entire book from cover to cover.  I'm not sure how I don't remember this part or why it jumped out at me last night, but I'm so glad it did.  There are two views on pre-race anxiety.. the general psychological view and the existential view.  I am going to quote the following excerpt to explain both and to say that I wholeheartedly now agree with the existential view... as long as the anxiety doesn't cause me to choke, that is.

The general psychological view is that anxiety before competition is not a good thing, because it's unpleasant and it causes the athlete to waste energy, lose focus, and have fear of failure.  The conventional view in sports psychology is that if you have an athlete who is shaking, sweating, and miserable before a competition, you need to give them interventions to stop it.  The existential view is that anxiety often is a sign that you are challenging yourself.  That anxiety is about you pushing yourself into a challenging situation.
Existentialism calls upon the athlete to muster courage and work through the source of anxiety instead of taking the easy way out and trying to make it just go away.  It's about facing up to the discomfort that is associated with the sport experience, whether it's the pain of racing, the grind of training, or the entire lifestyle sacrifice.  The existential view is that the encounter with anxiety that comes with facing up to challenges---repeatedly facing up to those challenges and going through them-- strengthens the core of who you are.  Every time there is a chance to step up--every time there is an opportunity to move beyond where you are now-- and the recognition dawns on you that the choice is yours-- if you repeatedly say "no" to these opportunities-- if you make "no" your typical response-- that undermines your personality and character and makes you less of an authentic person.  You become less of the real you.


And so there you have it.  The reason pre-race anxiety is good (within reason, of course).  Today my goal is to run happy and strong. To remember how much I'd missed it during my time off.  To run with a thankful attitude for the gift of health and wellness.  To run so that I feel like I left everything I have out on the course.  And to run it in a time under %& : *^.  Good luck to all running with me today :)

Hmm, as a follow-up to the previous post, maybe this link would work.

 http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sethjenkins

Perspective

Five years ago today, I received one of two of the worst phone calls I've ever gotten.  Why do these calls ALWAYS seem to shake you from a dead sleep in the middle of the night?  The call was from my sister-in-law, Keli, who was telling Maggie that my brother-in-law, Mitch, had been found unresponsive, not breathing and with no pulse by my sister.  He had been taken to the hospital and that is "didn't look good at all."  Given the fact that Mitch went to bed as a "healthy" 30 year old, this news was shocking to say the least.

I was once told by someone that if they "didn't absolutely KNOW they would qualify for Boston, they wouldn't put themselves out there and even try."  In other words, why would someone waste their time with such intense training and suffering if they weren't POSITIVE?  I think the deep down message was that I was foolish to keep trying since I didn't seem sure I could do it.

How do these paragraphs connect?  Well, I'm trying to get a point across about perspective.  How one looks at things.  My sister could be a bitter, angry at the world person.  She was dealt some damn shitty cards.  But she isn't.  On the contrary, she is happy.  She has chosen to attack life head on and move on, despite the monumental tragedy that fell before her.

It is because I am surrounded by incredibly wonderful and positive people that I "try" to find the silver lining in things that can make us bitter.... multiple attempts at Boston, running injuries and mixing up important dates.... the list goes on.

I have attached the link to Wendi Jenkins entry yesterday, who is the inspiration for this topic.  Honestly, if she can find the silver lining, there is no reason why any of us can't when disappointment happens in our lives.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sethjenkins

Simple Strimple

After last weekend's Texas fiasco, I returned home to a series of other unpleasant events that made me begin to think my sanity was on a downward spiral.  For starters, the actual day I got back, I went to drive Jack to basketball practice and realized I showed up an hour late.  Both Jack and Lucy, who had escaped the flu that plagued Will, Emma and John two weeks ago, both developed strep.  They got over it just in time for me to get it.  I was so over being upbeat and positive and began feeling the SERIOUS need for a tropical vacation... minus anyone under that age of 18.  I realize I am among many who feel the same way as I do.  This has been a trying winter.

As always, though, I find in necessary to pick out the good.  A follow up bone scan on Wednesday revealed my stress fractured has healed (well that's good since I've been running on it).  I have been running pain free, though not easily, for a couple of weeks.  By not easily, I mean that although I've maintained a decent amount of running performance, I indeed have some work to do just to get where I was before Columbus.  I guess this is expected, but for a runner who made steady improvement over the course of a couple of years, this realization is humbling.

Today was my longest run since October.  It was 7 miles, though the rest of the group I ran with were doing 10.  I knew better than to jump from 6-10 (hopefully this redeems me to anyone who thinks I'm carelessly jumping back in).  I even parked my car at the seven mile mark and Sarah picked me up to bring me to the start.  The chosen route today:  STRIMPLE.  The first 5 miles are nothing but hills.  One after another and not exactly tiny hills either.  I had the option of a flatter route with a different group, but through training last summer and fall, I actually have grown to prefer a hillier run.  It's not that I find hills easy.  I don't.  They still take everything out of me by the time I get to the top.  I just discovered how to run them without dread.  Once I figured that out, I actually sought them out and they did become easier to run.  Or maybe just seemed that way.

I ran with Sarah for roughly the first 4 miles.  The hills were plenty during those miles.  By the time we hit the last hill together, the reality of much time away from them hit my quads.  I had a really rough time recovering on the downhill portion before yet another hill hit.  It was then that I silently said "so long" to Sarah, who was trucking along well ahead by now.  Fortunately for me, I had brought my IPOD.  I popped in the earbuds, and turned on my music.  I was immediately brought back to last summer when I spent many long runs on Strimple.  I reflected all that has happened since the last time I ran that route.  I remember thinking back then that the next time I run this road will be for Boston training.  Little did I know the next time I ran that road would be during a comeback run following a pain in the ass injury after a non-qualifying race.  

Not knowing what the future holds is a blessing.  Sometimes I wonder if I ever would have started this goal had I known that it would take multiple attempts to get there.  Three years ago, I was a different runner and I was a different person with a different mindset.  And so I can say that three years ago, had I known how hard this would be and how much patience this would require, I would never have started it.  But it is because I have been SO SURE with each failed attempt, that the next one would bring success, that I've kept going.  And because I've kept going, I've learned more about my myself in regard to my stubbornness, my limits, what I "thought" were my limits, my sense of pride, my lack of common sense, just how impatient I really am, how tough I really am, but most of all, just how much I love to run... and how much I love coffee and hot showers after I run.