Fears!

Last night I had the strangest dream.  It's one of those dreams that wakes you up and leaves you tossing and turning for awhile, even though you are exhausted and need sleep.  I dreamt that I was running my ultra and there was a pickup truck behind me picking up cones.  Do you know what that means?  Yep... it means I was the last one on the course.  The fear was paralyzing in my dream as the truck got closer.  They were shutting it down and if they caught me, I was done.  I was trying to pick up the pace, but my legs were lead and would not move any faster.  Because I was afraid, my breathing was more like panting.  I felt like I was trying to outrun an ax murderer (I'm sure we've all had dreams where the murderer is chasing us and we can't get enough speed to get away... it was like that).  So why write about dreams like this?  Well because it's the second time in a week I've had a dream that I believe is reflecting subconscious unrest about the 50 mile run.  Last week I dreamt about a car accident that shattered my left foot.  All I could think about was my race as I was being casted.  I woke up and shrugged it off as "Whew, glad that was a dream..".  But after last night, I think it's high time I just put all my fears out there, deal with them and move ahead by training with confidence and excitement (which I am super excited!).  So here is the laundry list.  Bare with me, some of them are downright stupid:

I'm afraid of getting injured
I'm afraid I'm doing too many marathons
I'm afraid I'm not doing enough trail running
I'm afraid I'll be stupid in my upcoming marathons and run them too fast
I'm afraid I don't know how to pace myself for this
I'm afraid of what it will feel like toward the end
I'm afraid that feeling will hit me far sooner than I am expecting
I'm afraid that my plan of 12 min miles on the trail portion is too fast for me considering the technicality of it and that I will be in for a rude awakening.
I'm afraid of fueling poorly
I'm afraid of not wearing the right clothes
I'm afraid my brother will insist on running with me and drag me out too fast
I'm afraid my husband will annoy me when he runs the last half with me because I won't feel like small talk
I'm afraid to tell him that spectating and crewing will be just fine... oops, think I just did!
I'm afraid Will and Emma are going to see a very bad side of their mother (they are coming!).  Well, one they HAVEN'T been exposed to yet.
I'm afraid that I worry to much and that will work against me
I'm afraid I'm crazy

Ahhh, that felt GOOD!  There it is.  It's all out there now.  The system has been purged of fears, worries and anxiety.  So now I'm good to go.  Honestly, despite the above list, I realize this is a very doable goal.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the long runs and discovering how to properly train for endurance.  Being able to run 51 miles the week after the Air Force Marathon was such a break through moment for me.  I don't think I've ever run the week after a marathon, let alone the day after.  So that was confidence in the bank and the proof that all really is well.  I'm doing the right training, eating the right foods for recovery and fueling well along the way.  So as one can see, I am not crazy with fear, but the unknown is always a bit scary.  Reading books on mega - endurance ultra runners is such a confidence builder too.  I am currently reading Marshall Ulrich's book "Running on Empty".  It is about his 56 day run across America.  We are now on day 12 of his run and he has terrible achilles tendonitis, swollen feet, burning quads