I have to apologize to all the drivers who fit the previous post's description. I'm not apologizing because I think it is ok to be rude. I am apologizing because the anger I wrote about is two sided. I realized something about myself a few years ago. When everyone on planet earth seems to be annoying me at any given time, the real problem is always me.
Case and point... Yesterday I was meeting some runners from my group at 5:15 to do track repeats. It was the first time we have been able to get on the track since we began training 8 weeks ago. Up until yesterday, we had been doing them on a .5 mile strip of road that is perfect for running but can at times, be traffic heavy. We were happy to finally not have to worry about hitting our paces AND avoid getting hit, as well as have a clear track to run on. The trouble started the second I stepped foot outside. I was greeted with a strong gust of wind and flurries in my face. "You have got to be FREAKING kidding me!" I wanted to turn back around and walk in the house. I tried to ignore the flying snow surrounding my car and the whipping flags as I drove to the track. I had gotten there a bit early because I had laundry that needed to be finished before the kids got up. Stepping out of my car, I began a slow jog to the track. I had to put my head down to avoid the face full of wind and snow that wouldn't let up. I was getting more ticked off by the minute. I knew that the workout would be challenging enough without the wind. I now wondered if I would hit pace at all. I began my warm up around the track. Shortly after I finished my warm up laps, Barbara arrived. I immediately greeted her with a snarky comment about not getting a break, even once, with this weather. She agreed and as the others began to arrive, I again, was quick to point out just how much it sucked. I later realized that a good coach, who assigned the workout to begin with, would have been encouraging, not demoralizing. Most of the girls that showed up are not a fan of running that early to begin with. I am the creator of my own problems.
Yesterday's fit was not unusual for me lately. Last week, I deactivated my Facebook account. I intend to reactivate it once I can turn my bad attitude around. The problem was that everyone was beginning to bother me, yet with the easy access, I couldn't just stay off. Social media and the need to know what is going on with other people many times a day has its grip on me, though I hate admitting it. The best cure for me is to simply cut it out of my life for awhile...stone cold turkey! Again, I quickly acknowledged that "I" am the problem. Not everyone else. It always amazes me what I discover about myself through honest self reflection. It isn't easy to point a finger at myself, but often times, it is necessary. It is the only way I will ever become better...at everything. I am finding it is normal for me to go through these "grumpy spells" now and again. I thank God for my husband and kids, who are often quick to recognize it even before I do. Lucy is especially sensitive and will say, "Mommy, I know something is wrong with you because you are yelling a lot." Usually she says it right after I have yelled about something and I often reply with, "Mommy wouldn't have to yell so much if you guys would just do what I said the first time!!!" Usually I say that while yelling :). Deep down, I know my baby is on to me. And it forces me to want to turn it around right then.
I'm blaming it on the nasty winter this time. It is driving me crazy (and all of the country). But I am also owning up to how I respond to it. The sun will shine again and the snow will soon be gone.
Soldier on!
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Angry
There has been something that has been bugging me lately that I just have to vent about. I usually don't take my "issues" and blog about them (publicly anyway), but this one, I must.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS UP WITH ALL THE ANGRY, RUNNER HATIN' DRIVERS OUT THERE?
This winter has been the worst ever. I don't know if this ridiculously cold and snowy mid western winter has just gone and made everyone annoyed and mean, but seriously, bad attitudes are going to kill a runner or two in my town if this keeps up. For example, I can safely say that on 75% of the runs I have done lately, I have had to jump onto the snow banked curb to avoid getting hit. This would be on a four lane road with the lane next to the driver completely free of other cars. Oh and don't think I am not reflective and visible. Because I am. I not only run facing traffic (the correct way for a runner), I also wear a headlamp that drivers can see well enough in advance to think, "Oh hey, there's a runner up ahead. How wonderful and dedicated for that person to be out at 5:30 am, making sure not to take away family time and getting it done before the kids get up. I will get over in the next lane as to not even come close to him/her. Sure hope he/she has a wonderful day. Say, I'd like to try that running sometime!" By the way the cars whiz by, skimming the outside of my jacket, I'm thinking the thought is more like this, "Who is that asshole up ahead in this sub zero degree weather? What a dumbass! Doesn't he/she know that running in weather like this is bad for your lungs/muscles/bones/heart? I think I'm gonna toss my cigarette out at watch him/her cringe. And I ain't moving. This road is for cars, not runners. Oh and I hate my job and am really pissed that I have to go to work this early."
To that person, I'd like to say I pray for you. I'd love to say that. But usually I tell you to f*%k off under my breath and thank you for nearly killing me. I am not doing anything illegal by being out there. I am preserving my sanity and often times figuring out life's problems and saying some prayers... well, until that little distraction comes along.
I have a long way to go. Pray for me, please. And be kind to runners.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS UP WITH ALL THE ANGRY, RUNNER HATIN' DRIVERS OUT THERE?
This winter has been the worst ever. I don't know if this ridiculously cold and snowy mid western winter has just gone and made everyone annoyed and mean, but seriously, bad attitudes are going to kill a runner or two in my town if this keeps up. For example, I can safely say that on 75% of the runs I have done lately, I have had to jump onto the snow banked curb to avoid getting hit. This would be on a four lane road with the lane next to the driver completely free of other cars. Oh and don't think I am not reflective and visible. Because I am. I not only run facing traffic (the correct way for a runner), I also wear a headlamp that drivers can see well enough in advance to think, "Oh hey, there's a runner up ahead. How wonderful and dedicated for that person to be out at 5:30 am, making sure not to take away family time and getting it done before the kids get up. I will get over in the next lane as to not even come close to him/her. Sure hope he/she has a wonderful day. Say, I'd like to try that running sometime!" By the way the cars whiz by, skimming the outside of my jacket, I'm thinking the thought is more like this, "Who is that asshole up ahead in this sub zero degree weather? What a dumbass! Doesn't he/she know that running in weather like this is bad for your lungs/muscles/bones/heart? I think I'm gonna toss my cigarette out at watch him/her cringe. And I ain't moving. This road is for cars, not runners. Oh and I hate my job and am really pissed that I have to go to work this early."
To that person, I'd like to say I pray for you. I'd love to say that. But usually I tell you to f*%k off under my breath and thank you for nearly killing me. I am not doing anything illegal by being out there. I am preserving my sanity and often times figuring out life's problems and saying some prayers... well, until that little distraction comes along.
I have a long way to go. Pray for me, please. And be kind to runners.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Athens Marathon and Life's Other Stuff
The memory is still very fresh... mile 23 of the Indianapolis Marathon last October. In the throws of marathon misery, I vowed I would never race another marathon for as long as I lived. I meant it, too. Every single miserable, awful step, came the promise to myself I was done. Coupled with the fear that my brother Jack, pacing the 4 hour group, was quickly gaining on me, I was in a bad place mentally. The only thing that kept me from walking the rest of the way was the thought of his cheerful, optimistic voice right behind me, passing me and then in front of me. I was nearly 15 minutes behind my goal time as it was. I was in an all too familiar place, one that I hated and one that years ago had drained my love of running. It wasn't until I experienced the world of ultra running that my passion was re-ignited. Give me great distances, food, company and walk breaks... give me all day and I can get the job done. Give me a time goal, a clock and a bit of pressure... and I crumble.
So what is the logical next step? In the the lives of logical people, it is to simply shift all together to running slowly and joyfully. Logical runners in this place run marathons only as training runs... with crowd support, lots of company, chipper conversation and medals at the end. Every long run is a party, not a job or another workout checked off the training list. Well, the good Lord left out the logic gene when he created me. I have registered to run the Athens, Ohio marathon on April 13th. My intent is to race it for a sub 3:45.
Let me back up a bit. I am currently coaching seven spring marathoners. Five of those runners are training to run the Boston Marathon, one is running the Flying Pig as her first marathon, and one is training to run right beside me once again and pace me during the Athens Marathon. I think it may be all the Boston talk. I mean, I run with gals who are training for Boston. The conversations about the race keeps the depression over training conditions at bay (sub zero temps, snow and ice... blah!). Every time Boston is brought up, I get excited. Talk of who still needs plane tickets, who is rooming with whom and where to eat the night before is fun hear and be part of. It is also dangerous. Or maybe it's good. I haven't decided yet. I begin to think, "Now why the hell am I not doing this?" Ok, yes, I know the answer of, "You haven't qualified! Last year, while they were running pace runs, track workouts, hill repeats and tempo runs, you were taking your sweet time on the trail, enjoying nature, eating and ultra training. And before that, you raced and didn't get the time. That's why!" I think those things and I know that ultra training was a good reason not to have raced a qualifying race. However, it kills me to know I have it in me but that I have decided to stop trying because for 6-8 miles of racing a marathon I am hating life. That is no good reason to give up on something I CAN do. None at all. I would never want one of my children to cease reaching for dream but for a few short days, weeks, months or even years of difficulty. Especially when it is an attainable goal should they JUST KEEP TRYING. My kids are very aware of my Boston quest. How could they not be? When phrases like "carb loading", "Don't eat that. It's mom's long run fuel", "I told Mrs. Post that I know what pacing means" and "all we have to eat in the house are these energy gels...", are part of the daily household chatter, I realize they are aware of so much. They are aware of hard work, failure, more hard work, more failure, detours, changing course and getting back on track. Someday, they will see what came from all of it. Success.
Now what the heck with Sarah? How many times is she going to put herself through my miserable racing state? I'm guessing as many times as it takes to drag my ass to Boston. I didn't ask her to do it. Not only does she want a reason to keep her endurance base up, but she WANTS to do it. She WANTS to endure when I completely lose my cool and start being a complete bitch right around mile 18. She WANTS to challenge me and risk getting punched when she tells me to pick it up as I begin to fade. Actually, no, that is not what she wants. What she really wants is to be there when it all comes together. She doesn't want to be at home, tracking me on her phone or computer. In a nutshell, she never loses faith that this will be the race that I achieve a dream whose road has taken me down some unbelievable twists and turns as well as some life altering moments. She knows it's a matter of time. I know it's a matter of time. That is why we both keep doing what we do. I told her last week that Athens was the LAST time I was going to race a marathon. She knows that is such bullshit even before I do. If I get a BQ, I'll then want to run a PR sometime. If you give a moose a muffin, ya know?
The person that endures the most, though, is John. Oh sweet John! He actually lives with this. I think when I came home from Indy declaring that I was done racing, he responded something like, "Ok, or at least until the next time you decide to race." I am most definitely this boy's ticket to Heaven. It takes a really special person to put up with my kind of crazy on a daily basis. It actually has become his normal. He would be very worried about me if I did not change my mind... constantly. John is "training" to run the Flying Pig marathon. It is 3 weeks after Athens and my goal is to run it with my childhood friend, Nicole, and her husband, Jerry. This will be their first marathon and I cannot wait! She is having an awesome training cycle and feels good. John is also going to run this with us. I put training in quotation marks in regard to John because he always does his own special combination of training. It goes like this... run 5 miles as your longest run from October to January. Then, accompany your wife and her friends on a 14 mile long run. On the way home, talk about how your calf was really iffy and that it is a good thing we did not go any farther. Also, make sure you never stretch, roll or ice and for God sakes, do not fuel right. Take several weeks off for some sort of calf or foot ailment. On race day, run a terrific race and have a good time doing it. That's how he rolls. It is annoying and funny and so HIM!
And so we all train on... trying to be creative through the snow, ice and crazy wind. Our lives keep changing, but our group remains constant. Our goals change, but running together does not. Greg, Jen and Cheryl keep vowing to stop doing marathons and yet... here they are, training for marathons. Sondra keeps saying she hates speed work and is moving to ultras, yet Sondra is always kicking our assess and running the fastest in our pace group during workouts, all the while talking comfortably. Sarah keeps saying she has no goals and doesn't want to commit to anything, yet her Athens registration was complete before I blinked. Erin, new to marathoning, is forever doubtful of her ability, yet her race times reflect a fierce competitor and athlete. Suttan hates ice like no one's business and has the stamina and grit to withstand long treadmill runs when the majority of us would rather skip the workout than run on a treadmill. Kim hasn't committed to anything except to burn off a week's worth of hefty calorie consumption. Barbara soaks it all in, analyzes us and I am certain, deems us all as crazy (she's the sports psychologist in our group).
God continues to bless me and I continue to strive to thank Him. In the throws of the daily grind and mundane tasks of everyday, I sometimes get into the pattern of focusing on all that sucks. But my kids keep growing, my husband keeps loving me and I keep running with awesome people. My parents and in-laws are healthy and my siblings are a short drive or phone call away. In other words, all that really matters in life is good at this moment. For that, I am so grateful.
So what is the logical next step? In the the lives of logical people, it is to simply shift all together to running slowly and joyfully. Logical runners in this place run marathons only as training runs... with crowd support, lots of company, chipper conversation and medals at the end. Every long run is a party, not a job or another workout checked off the training list. Well, the good Lord left out the logic gene when he created me. I have registered to run the Athens, Ohio marathon on April 13th. My intent is to race it for a sub 3:45.
Let me back up a bit. I am currently coaching seven spring marathoners. Five of those runners are training to run the Boston Marathon, one is running the Flying Pig as her first marathon, and one is training to run right beside me once again and pace me during the Athens Marathon. I think it may be all the Boston talk. I mean, I run with gals who are training for Boston. The conversations about the race keeps the depression over training conditions at bay (sub zero temps, snow and ice... blah!). Every time Boston is brought up, I get excited. Talk of who still needs plane tickets, who is rooming with whom and where to eat the night before is fun hear and be part of. It is also dangerous. Or maybe it's good. I haven't decided yet. I begin to think, "Now why the hell am I not doing this?" Ok, yes, I know the answer of, "You haven't qualified! Last year, while they were running pace runs, track workouts, hill repeats and tempo runs, you were taking your sweet time on the trail, enjoying nature, eating and ultra training. And before that, you raced and didn't get the time. That's why!" I think those things and I know that ultra training was a good reason not to have raced a qualifying race. However, it kills me to know I have it in me but that I have decided to stop trying because for 6-8 miles of racing a marathon I am hating life. That is no good reason to give up on something I CAN do. None at all. I would never want one of my children to cease reaching for dream but for a few short days, weeks, months or even years of difficulty. Especially when it is an attainable goal should they JUST KEEP TRYING. My kids are very aware of my Boston quest. How could they not be? When phrases like "carb loading", "Don't eat that. It's mom's long run fuel", "I told Mrs. Post that I know what pacing means" and "all we have to eat in the house are these energy gels...", are part of the daily household chatter, I realize they are aware of so much. They are aware of hard work, failure, more hard work, more failure, detours, changing course and getting back on track. Someday, they will see what came from all of it. Success.
Now what the heck with Sarah? How many times is she going to put herself through my miserable racing state? I'm guessing as many times as it takes to drag my ass to Boston. I didn't ask her to do it. Not only does she want a reason to keep her endurance base up, but she WANTS to do it. She WANTS to endure when I completely lose my cool and start being a complete bitch right around mile 18. She WANTS to challenge me and risk getting punched when she tells me to pick it up as I begin to fade. Actually, no, that is not what she wants. What she really wants is to be there when it all comes together. She doesn't want to be at home, tracking me on her phone or computer. In a nutshell, she never loses faith that this will be the race that I achieve a dream whose road has taken me down some unbelievable twists and turns as well as some life altering moments. She knows it's a matter of time. I know it's a matter of time. That is why we both keep doing what we do. I told her last week that Athens was the LAST time I was going to race a marathon. She knows that is such bullshit even before I do. If I get a BQ, I'll then want to run a PR sometime. If you give a moose a muffin, ya know?
The person that endures the most, though, is John. Oh sweet John! He actually lives with this. I think when I came home from Indy declaring that I was done racing, he responded something like, "Ok, or at least until the next time you decide to race." I am most definitely this boy's ticket to Heaven. It takes a really special person to put up with my kind of crazy on a daily basis. It actually has become his normal. He would be very worried about me if I did not change my mind... constantly. John is "training" to run the Flying Pig marathon. It is 3 weeks after Athens and my goal is to run it with my childhood friend, Nicole, and her husband, Jerry. This will be their first marathon and I cannot wait! She is having an awesome training cycle and feels good. John is also going to run this with us. I put training in quotation marks in regard to John because he always does his own special combination of training. It goes like this... run 5 miles as your longest run from October to January. Then, accompany your wife and her friends on a 14 mile long run. On the way home, talk about how your calf was really iffy and that it is a good thing we did not go any farther. Also, make sure you never stretch, roll or ice and for God sakes, do not fuel right. Take several weeks off for some sort of calf or foot ailment. On race day, run a terrific race and have a good time doing it. That's how he rolls. It is annoying and funny and so HIM!
And so we all train on... trying to be creative through the snow, ice and crazy wind. Our lives keep changing, but our group remains constant. Our goals change, but running together does not. Greg, Jen and Cheryl keep vowing to stop doing marathons and yet... here they are, training for marathons. Sondra keeps saying she hates speed work and is moving to ultras, yet Sondra is always kicking our assess and running the fastest in our pace group during workouts, all the while talking comfortably. Sarah keeps saying she has no goals and doesn't want to commit to anything, yet her Athens registration was complete before I blinked. Erin, new to marathoning, is forever doubtful of her ability, yet her race times reflect a fierce competitor and athlete. Suttan hates ice like no one's business and has the stamina and grit to withstand long treadmill runs when the majority of us would rather skip the workout than run on a treadmill. Kim hasn't committed to anything except to burn off a week's worth of hefty calorie consumption. Barbara soaks it all in, analyzes us and I am certain, deems us all as crazy (she's the sports psychologist in our group).
God continues to bless me and I continue to strive to thank Him. In the throws of the daily grind and mundane tasks of everyday, I sometimes get into the pattern of focusing on all that sucks. But my kids keep growing, my husband keeps loving me and I keep running with awesome people. My parents and in-laws are healthy and my siblings are a short drive or phone call away. In other words, all that really matters in life is good at this moment. For that, I am so grateful.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Happy New Year- 2014
While the rest of the world sleeps off a hangover, I sit well rested and ready to face another year. In short, being in bed by 10 pm last night will serve me well today :)
New Year's Eve has never been a favorite of mine. I realize that it is just "one day" to dig deep and stay up late, but I really don't feel the need. The week of Christmas is always exhausting for us (as it is for most people). Couple that with the fact that I am cursed by the genetics of my dad and my internal clock will wake up somewhere between 4-6 am every single day, regardless of whether or not I just went to bed at 3. I'm not kidding... it can be very troublesome. When it happens, I am downright awful to my family the next day.
This year, we considered two gracious invitations by friends to spend New Year's Eve with them. All was contingent on what my out of town sisters were up to, however. After realizing they were going back home on New Year's Eve, we found ourselves free to spend the evening with friends. However, true to form, I woke up yesterday morning at 4:07, even though my alarm was set for a MUCH later 4:45 (so that I could hit a 5:30 TRX class). TRX was followed by a 4 mile run, which was followed by yoga two hours later. A mid morning meeting followed yoga, and then it was home to get the crew ready to meet my in town sister and brothers' families downtown for a day of ice skating. By noon, I knew that I was not going anywhere last evening. All I wanted to do was put on my pajamas, settle in with the family in front of a nice fire, watch a movie and drift off into 2014. And that is just what I did (Yes, neighbors, you woke me up at midnight. But I wasn't mad... just like you won't be mad when I celebrate at 4 am sometime soon!...kidding... didn't mind a bit, nor did it prevent me from falling back to sleep immediately).
This morning I awoke to Facebook posts and pictures of countless New Year's celebrations and status update resolutions. The pictures were so fun to see and the resolutions made me smile. I saw a few that were thrilled to see 2013 leave as they clung to new hope for a better year in 2014. I saw some that felt 2013 was a glorious year filled with countless blessings and they hated to see such a wonderful year come to an end. The spectrum is so wide!
I come into this new year with a much different approach than ever before. Maybe because in the course of the last 12 months, my perspective has shifted dramatically. Obviously there were things that happened in 2013 that were life changing, not the least of which was finishing my first 100 mile race. But the race itself wasn't what changed me. The training and preparation for the race did and those were things that were in the works years before 2013, even though I did not know it. The race was glaring evidence of what had been taking place over a long period of time... that by learning to trust God's plan for my life, failure was impossible. God's plans never fail. I, however, have countless times failed to follow them.
Another reason I don't get jazzed up about the calendar changing to a new year is because I have come to realize that every day that I wake up is a clean slate. Ever single day, every minute of my life I have the chance to do better, be better and start over if I wish. I don't have to wait for the date to change or the year, I just have to decide and try. And I have that chance with every breath I take. By God's grace alone, I can be different today than yesterday, whether it is a new year or not. This is wonderfully reassuring and comforting to me and I hope it offers comfort to anyone who feels as though he must wait for a magic date for changes to start. Change of heart and change in my life can happen the second I will it to, no need to wait.
And so I started this morning like I do most mornings that our 5 month old puppy allows me to... in quietness and prayer. I sat in my chair with my hot coffee, a warm blanket and the full attention of Jesus. He has mine too, which thrills Him. I resolved the same thing today as I did yesterday, in the "old" year... to be better than I was yesterday, in all areas of my life. I asked for guidance, grace and wisdom in some decisions I'm making. I prayed for each of my children and for John and for all the members of my family. I prayed for my friends that are in pain right now, the souls that I know that have gone before me and as always, for sweet Nora and her parents.
I also asked my saintly BFF, St. Sebastian, to intercede with prayer for me that I may stay healthy enough to continue running. God only knows what I'd be like without it and it isn't pretty.
Happiest of New Years to all! I wish you many blessings to come in 2014 and beyond.
PS... taking up running is a FABULOUS New Year's resolution. Just sayin'.
New Year's Eve has never been a favorite of mine. I realize that it is just "one day" to dig deep and stay up late, but I really don't feel the need. The week of Christmas is always exhausting for us (as it is for most people). Couple that with the fact that I am cursed by the genetics of my dad and my internal clock will wake up somewhere between 4-6 am every single day, regardless of whether or not I just went to bed at 3. I'm not kidding... it can be very troublesome. When it happens, I am downright awful to my family the next day.
This year, we considered two gracious invitations by friends to spend New Year's Eve with them. All was contingent on what my out of town sisters were up to, however. After realizing they were going back home on New Year's Eve, we found ourselves free to spend the evening with friends. However, true to form, I woke up yesterday morning at 4:07, even though my alarm was set for a MUCH later 4:45 (so that I could hit a 5:30 TRX class). TRX was followed by a 4 mile run, which was followed by yoga two hours later. A mid morning meeting followed yoga, and then it was home to get the crew ready to meet my in town sister and brothers' families downtown for a day of ice skating. By noon, I knew that I was not going anywhere last evening. All I wanted to do was put on my pajamas, settle in with the family in front of a nice fire, watch a movie and drift off into 2014. And that is just what I did (Yes, neighbors, you woke me up at midnight. But I wasn't mad... just like you won't be mad when I celebrate at 4 am sometime soon!...kidding... didn't mind a bit, nor did it prevent me from falling back to sleep immediately).
This morning I awoke to Facebook posts and pictures of countless New Year's celebrations and status update resolutions. The pictures were so fun to see and the resolutions made me smile. I saw a few that were thrilled to see 2013 leave as they clung to new hope for a better year in 2014. I saw some that felt 2013 was a glorious year filled with countless blessings and they hated to see such a wonderful year come to an end. The spectrum is so wide!
I come into this new year with a much different approach than ever before. Maybe because in the course of the last 12 months, my perspective has shifted dramatically. Obviously there were things that happened in 2013 that were life changing, not the least of which was finishing my first 100 mile race. But the race itself wasn't what changed me. The training and preparation for the race did and those were things that were in the works years before 2013, even though I did not know it. The race was glaring evidence of what had been taking place over a long period of time... that by learning to trust God's plan for my life, failure was impossible. God's plans never fail. I, however, have countless times failed to follow them.
Another reason I don't get jazzed up about the calendar changing to a new year is because I have come to realize that every day that I wake up is a clean slate. Ever single day, every minute of my life I have the chance to do better, be better and start over if I wish. I don't have to wait for the date to change or the year, I just have to decide and try. And I have that chance with every breath I take. By God's grace alone, I can be different today than yesterday, whether it is a new year or not. This is wonderfully reassuring and comforting to me and I hope it offers comfort to anyone who feels as though he must wait for a magic date for changes to start. Change of heart and change in my life can happen the second I will it to, no need to wait.
And so I started this morning like I do most mornings that our 5 month old puppy allows me to... in quietness and prayer. I sat in my chair with my hot coffee, a warm blanket and the full attention of Jesus. He has mine too, which thrills Him. I resolved the same thing today as I did yesterday, in the "old" year... to be better than I was yesterday, in all areas of my life. I asked for guidance, grace and wisdom in some decisions I'm making. I prayed for each of my children and for John and for all the members of my family. I prayed for my friends that are in pain right now, the souls that I know that have gone before me and as always, for sweet Nora and her parents.
I also asked my saintly BFF, St. Sebastian, to intercede with prayer for me that I may stay healthy enough to continue running. God only knows what I'd be like without it and it isn't pretty.
Happiest of New Years to all! I wish you many blessings to come in 2014 and beyond.
PS... taking up running is a FABULOUS New Year's resolution. Just sayin'.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Daily Thanksgiving
Another post with ZIP to do with running. But hopefully it will be an enlightening one. I've been seeing this trend on Facebook everyday during the month of November. Many of my Facebook friends have taken to making a daily public announcement of one thing they are thankful for that day. It makes me smile every time I stumble across one because let me tell you, some of these people have some pretty shitty circumstances. It also makes me smile because this has been a mission I have been on for several weeks.
It started when my cousin, Elizabeth, sent me a book called "One Thousand Gifts." If you have heard of it, isn't it incredible? If not, well worth the investment on Amazon. At any rate, I read the book and it was life-changing. At least I hope it was life-changing. I hope it doesn't become one of my well intentioned new "things" I am going to do that quickly fades when the newness wears off. I am good at that too.
The premise behind the book is this: live in a state of gratitude; a constant state of thankfulness. Now this seems nearly impossible to me as I am often praying with my kids on the way to school through clenched fists and gritted teeth. Seriously, we say the Our Father and Hail Mary every single morning. A lot of parents do night time prayers with their kids. I needed another option considering I am usually fast asleep before my kids. So we do morning prayers. After I read this book, I incorporated the rule that everyone must say one thing they are thankful for. No matter how grumpy, irritated or ungrateful they feel, they have to find gratitude SOMEWHERE. It is funny to listen to the things they list. The kids in the car include two neighbor girls and the ages in the car range from 7-12 (The 12 year old is my Emma. Yeah, try this with a moody, annoyed, eye rolling pre-teen. Now you understand the clenched fist/gritted teeth thing). These things can range from very insightful things... "my family", to things that are just plain weird... "my shoelaces". I never, EVER make fun or try to get the kids to change it. Some days are seriously just that bad and you really can only find shoe laces to be thankful for. Whatever they say, it's all good. Just be thankful, kids. I often times want to say, "Hey, how about you be thankful that I did not kill you this morning when I told you a thousand times to GET IN THE DAMN CAR?" But I reign in the urge and try to honor the mood I am trying to create.
The most powerful words in that book were stated when the author reminded the reader that even Jesus lived in a state of thankfulness and did so during his darkest moments. You will recall the words, "On the night he was betrayed, he took bread, broke it and gave thanks..." Do you get that? On the night before he was to be horrifically beaten, humiliated and murdered (all which He knew was His fate), he was thankful. Eucharist. It means thanksgiving. I re-read that over and over and tried to absorb those words. Yes, I could and would find something to be thankful every single day and so would my children. To my children, these are just words, an annoying thing mom is making us do. But hopefully the thought of giving thanks takes root and as they mature, infiltrates their hearts and minds like I am trying to make it do at the age of 41. It is not easy. I struggle often. Somedays gratitude comes easy, other days it is harder than hell to find anything to be thankful about. Particularly the days I am in a bad mood or absorbed in self pity. But I make myself do this. I MUST do this. I am immensely blessed as is every single human being in one way or another. If for no other reason than God loves us, which is huge.
Well the lingering feeling that I was leaving out Will, my fourteen year old, would not go away. Some mornings I drive Will and three other boys, ages 14/15 to school. The drives takes approximately 25 minutes and often times the boys have their heads in their phones, earbuds in and just look tired and miserable. This morning I finally decided I was going to do this with these boys. I couldn't possibly be offending any of these boys who attend a Catholic high school. I did not imagine it would be well received and I imagined Will would slink down in utter embarrassment that his mom was making his friends pray out loud. I didn't care though. It is my car, therefore, they will follow my rules. I did decide to run it by Will, however. I asked him if he would be ok if we did the whole "prayer thing" on the way to school. His answer SHOCKED me. He said, "It's fine. I don't care." Now he did not act super excited, but he did not act a bit embarrassed either. Will is deeply rooted in faith and doesn't mind that people know it. This isn't to say he doesn't act like a complete ass sometimes (don't we all?), but I never give him credit for that. I need to. I am so thankful for it.
All the boys load in the car and I tell them the plan. I expected laughter or snickering to erupt, but I got nothing. So I proceeded with the sign of the cross and began the Lord's Prayer with each of those boys saying it right along with me. Eucharist. These four boys could not be more different in personality. I was amazed and also ashamed at what I expected of them. They each said one thing they were thankful for, among which were, health, a warm sweatshirt, modern warfare (yep, that's Danny for ya!) and the fact that one made his first round of basketball cuts yesterday. I listened to each of them... sincere, reverent, participating. How could I have been so wrong about how they would react? They may go home and tell their parents I made them do the STUPIDEST thing today, but I don't care. They were respectful of my request and that is what mattered.
I had found my thing to be thankful for today.
It started when my cousin, Elizabeth, sent me a book called "One Thousand Gifts." If you have heard of it, isn't it incredible? If not, well worth the investment on Amazon. At any rate, I read the book and it was life-changing. At least I hope it was life-changing. I hope it doesn't become one of my well intentioned new "things" I am going to do that quickly fades when the newness wears off. I am good at that too.
The premise behind the book is this: live in a state of gratitude; a constant state of thankfulness. Now this seems nearly impossible to me as I am often praying with my kids on the way to school through clenched fists and gritted teeth. Seriously, we say the Our Father and Hail Mary every single morning. A lot of parents do night time prayers with their kids. I needed another option considering I am usually fast asleep before my kids. So we do morning prayers. After I read this book, I incorporated the rule that everyone must say one thing they are thankful for. No matter how grumpy, irritated or ungrateful they feel, they have to find gratitude SOMEWHERE. It is funny to listen to the things they list. The kids in the car include two neighbor girls and the ages in the car range from 7-12 (The 12 year old is my Emma. Yeah, try this with a moody, annoyed, eye rolling pre-teen. Now you understand the clenched fist/gritted teeth thing). These things can range from very insightful things... "my family", to things that are just plain weird... "my shoelaces". I never, EVER make fun or try to get the kids to change it. Some days are seriously just that bad and you really can only find shoe laces to be thankful for. Whatever they say, it's all good. Just be thankful, kids. I often times want to say, "Hey, how about you be thankful that I did not kill you this morning when I told you a thousand times to GET IN THE DAMN CAR?" But I reign in the urge and try to honor the mood I am trying to create.
The most powerful words in that book were stated when the author reminded the reader that even Jesus lived in a state of thankfulness and did so during his darkest moments. You will recall the words, "On the night he was betrayed, he took bread, broke it and gave thanks..." Do you get that? On the night before he was to be horrifically beaten, humiliated and murdered (all which He knew was His fate), he was thankful. Eucharist. It means thanksgiving. I re-read that over and over and tried to absorb those words. Yes, I could and would find something to be thankful every single day and so would my children. To my children, these are just words, an annoying thing mom is making us do. But hopefully the thought of giving thanks takes root and as they mature, infiltrates their hearts and minds like I am trying to make it do at the age of 41. It is not easy. I struggle often. Somedays gratitude comes easy, other days it is harder than hell to find anything to be thankful about. Particularly the days I am in a bad mood or absorbed in self pity. But I make myself do this. I MUST do this. I am immensely blessed as is every single human being in one way or another. If for no other reason than God loves us, which is huge.
Well the lingering feeling that I was leaving out Will, my fourteen year old, would not go away. Some mornings I drive Will and three other boys, ages 14/15 to school. The drives takes approximately 25 minutes and often times the boys have their heads in their phones, earbuds in and just look tired and miserable. This morning I finally decided I was going to do this with these boys. I couldn't possibly be offending any of these boys who attend a Catholic high school. I did not imagine it would be well received and I imagined Will would slink down in utter embarrassment that his mom was making his friends pray out loud. I didn't care though. It is my car, therefore, they will follow my rules. I did decide to run it by Will, however. I asked him if he would be ok if we did the whole "prayer thing" on the way to school. His answer SHOCKED me. He said, "It's fine. I don't care." Now he did not act super excited, but he did not act a bit embarrassed either. Will is deeply rooted in faith and doesn't mind that people know it. This isn't to say he doesn't act like a complete ass sometimes (don't we all?), but I never give him credit for that. I need to. I am so thankful for it.
All the boys load in the car and I tell them the plan. I expected laughter or snickering to erupt, but I got nothing. So I proceeded with the sign of the cross and began the Lord's Prayer with each of those boys saying it right along with me. Eucharist. These four boys could not be more different in personality. I was amazed and also ashamed at what I expected of them. They each said one thing they were thankful for, among which were, health, a warm sweatshirt, modern warfare (yep, that's Danny for ya!) and the fact that one made his first round of basketball cuts yesterday. I listened to each of them... sincere, reverent, participating. How could I have been so wrong about how they would react? They may go home and tell their parents I made them do the STUPIDEST thing today, but I don't care. They were respectful of my request and that is what mattered.
I had found my thing to be thankful for today.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Big Favor, Just Because
If you are like me and are randomly reading this blog entry because you somehow inadvertently stumbled across it, chances are that you just want to read it and go on with your day, evening or whatever. Perhaps you don't know me at all. Maybe you think I'm weird and all over the place with my thoughts and ideas about running. All wonderful reasons to keep reading :) So keep reading...
From the very beginning of this blog in 2010 until now, I have made so many references to my friend and training buddy, Sarah, that you may even feel like you could sit and have coffee with her by now. And you really could! She is very nice and very personable. She is also in need of just a wee bit of help from anyone and everyone that will kindly help her. Don't worry. It does not even involve moving from your computer, laptop, iPad, etc. In fact, it'll take you less than 2 minutes to do this. Sarah owns a local fitness studio in our town. She teaches fitness classes and cycling. She is a registered dietician and also does nutritional counseling. Sarah has a really good thing going since the opening of her studio nearly two years ago. But the one thing that keeps her from growth and the development of new programs is... money! DON'T WORRY, you don't have to send money. Unless you want to!
No, it is nothing of the sort. Sarah recently applied for a grant to receive $250,000.00 to go toward her business, Evolution Nutrition and Fitness Studio, LLC. In addition to answering five essay questions, she must receive at least 250 votes on the grant website. So here is where she needs the help and kindness of not only those who know her, but also complete and total strangers. Maybe you hate to run or even exercise at all. Maybe you despise those that do. Ok, that's cool. But could you do her a favor, just today, and click on the link, put in the zip code 45030 and vote for Evolution Nutrition and Fitness Studio, LLC? After all, today is election day. You don't have to choose sides, be affiliated with any political party or even argue with your friend on this issue. You just have to sit here, click the link and vote for her business. You may not even live in the state of Ohio or even in the US. That would make it even NICER for you to do this. Just a simple, random act of kindness. That would be awesome and greatly appreciated. As I write this, she has 172 votes. She has until Nov. 15th to get AT LEAST 250. So if you read this on November 14th, click on the link and find she has 300 votes... cool... vote anyway! The more, the better. Thank you so much!
Here is the link:
https://www.missionmainstreetgrants.com
Once on the site, type in the zip code 45030. Evolution Nutrition and Fitness Studio, LLC will appear with a small box that says "vote".
Simply click it. That is it. You are done and you are awesome!
One other thing, when I voted, I had to log on to Facebook in order to do so. I think that is how they keep track of who has voted and you only get one vote.
Ok, new puppy just threw up on my bedroom carpet since I have been ignoring him. Must go. Thanks again!
From the very beginning of this blog in 2010 until now, I have made so many references to my friend and training buddy, Sarah, that you may even feel like you could sit and have coffee with her by now. And you really could! She is very nice and very personable. She is also in need of just a wee bit of help from anyone and everyone that will kindly help her. Don't worry. It does not even involve moving from your computer, laptop, iPad, etc. In fact, it'll take you less than 2 minutes to do this. Sarah owns a local fitness studio in our town. She teaches fitness classes and cycling. She is a registered dietician and also does nutritional counseling. Sarah has a really good thing going since the opening of her studio nearly two years ago. But the one thing that keeps her from growth and the development of new programs is... money! DON'T WORRY, you don't have to send money. Unless you want to!
No, it is nothing of the sort. Sarah recently applied for a grant to receive $250,000.00 to go toward her business, Evolution Nutrition and Fitness Studio, LLC. In addition to answering five essay questions, she must receive at least 250 votes on the grant website. So here is where she needs the help and kindness of not only those who know her, but also complete and total strangers. Maybe you hate to run or even exercise at all. Maybe you despise those that do. Ok, that's cool. But could you do her a favor, just today, and click on the link, put in the zip code 45030 and vote for Evolution Nutrition and Fitness Studio, LLC? After all, today is election day. You don't have to choose sides, be affiliated with any political party or even argue with your friend on this issue. You just have to sit here, click the link and vote for her business. You may not even live in the state of Ohio or even in the US. That would make it even NICER for you to do this. Just a simple, random act of kindness. That would be awesome and greatly appreciated. As I write this, she has 172 votes. She has until Nov. 15th to get AT LEAST 250. So if you read this on November 14th, click on the link and find she has 300 votes... cool... vote anyway! The more, the better. Thank you so much!
Here is the link:
https://www.missionmainstreetgrants.com
Once on the site, type in the zip code 45030. Evolution Nutrition and Fitness Studio, LLC will appear with a small box that says "vote".
Simply click it. That is it. You are done and you are awesome!
One other thing, when I voted, I had to log on to Facebook in order to do so. I think that is how they keep track of who has voted and you only get one vote.
Ok, new puppy just threw up on my bedroom carpet since I have been ignoring him. Must go. Thanks again!
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Indy Marathon
I always like to write a race recap when my legs are still sore and my memory is fresh. The details are so much more accurate. What tends to happen to marathoners is like what tends to happen to mothers after they've given birth. The story goes from the painful reality of what really took place to the foggy idea that somehow it wasn't that bad at all perhaps we'd like to do it again.... and again, and in my case with babies AND marathons, again.
I also feel the need to console my dear friend, Sarah, who believed with all her heart that yesterday would be THE day I ran a Boston qualifier. She certainly danced around saying that all week as to not cause any unnecessary pressure or anxiety for me, but she cannot fool me. She forgets that our friendship is so intertwined with running and that each of us knows how the other one thinks when racing. She used phrases like, "It's just a long run. Just like always. We are going to go out and have fun and get medals and chat about all sorts of things." Ummm, no. Not fooled one bit. Running 8:20-8:30 pace for 26.2 miles is not just "another long run" for either of us. Our long runs average about a minute slower. If on trails, even slower. Running that pace in a marathon (at least for me) is a race. No dancing around that fact. Mind you, Sarah is a naturally faster runner than I so this pace was really more like a faster training run for her. There is the difference. All things were not equal in that sense yesterday.
Before Burning River I decided that I would forego a fall marathon. I have run at least one every year since 2009. I made that decision assuming my recovery from BR100 would be much longer and more extensive. When I was back to running two weeks later and feeling pretty ok, I began to wonder if perhaps I could pull of a fall marathon. I then began to wonder just what would happen if I incorporated speed with all the miles I had in the bank. I could start adding in one to two speed workouts a week, combine that with the amount of endurance I had and just maybe, pull of a BQ. I pitched the idea to John, who by now just nods and says "Sure, ok. Good idea." Gone are the days he evens tries to reason with me about these things. That is why I love him so :). The catch was this... NO ONE WAS TO KNOW. I was going to tell NO ONE. I reasoned that the only true way I could relax and run an anything goes marathon, was to not have anyone tracking me. I realize that knowing you are being tracked on-line while you race fuels some to drive harder. For me, it zaps the energy right from me. It fills me with anxiety and I simply cannot run relaxed. It is the silliest thing ever and if I could help it, I would. I can't help that anymore than I can change my eye color. There is a young man on Will's cross country team who is a phenomenal runner, but he ran in only two meets this season. Bless his heart, he has such intense race anxiety that he simply cannot even start. When Will told me this, I was heartbroken for him. He could run circles around his teammates in practice, but the poor thing placed so much pressure on himself to perform that he just could not even get himself to the start. Although I can't fathom what that type of race anxiety must be like, to a degree I get it. I can't run circles around the people I run with, but I can certainly hang and train with them without difficulty. I like to use the quote that I read once about runners and why they are so addicted to running; "To those who do it, no explanation is necessary. To those who don't, no explanation is possible." That is what it is like trying to discuss race anxiety with someone who experiences it vs. someone who doesn't.
Not even one week after I decided that I would run this race secretly, I'm out running with Sarah. And damn it if I can't stand keeping it to myself another minute! So I tell her I'm thinking of running the Indianapolis Marathon under the radar. I tell her it is the week before the Stone Steps 50k, which by the way, we are both going to run. I figured she would tell me that it is a ridiculous idea and I should not. I thought she would say I was flirting with disaster and injury. That it was too risky to do that the week before an ultra. But ultras don't scare me anymore (well, the 100 miler did scare me). I love to run long. I love it very much. I just don't love to run long at a racing pace. But Sarah said something I completely did not expect. "I'll do it with you." Huh? No. No way. Forget it. I am not having her give up a Saturday in the fall with all the kids activities. Why the hell did I open my big mouth? "No, that's ok, Sarah. I really just want to do this on my own. Drive up that morning, run hard and come home. I don't want you to do this." "Oh come ON! It'll be just like a long run. It'll be fun! No pressure, we will just run. Seriously! It'll be my tenth marathon and I just want a medal. Plus, I know you can run a BQ. You have soooo much endurance and if you do speed, you are there." And she got me. Hook, line and sinker. I agreed to let her run with me.
We ran roughly two speed workouts together and I changed my mind. I decided I would rather run a really good Stone Steps than risk running two mediocre or crappy races two weeks in a row. I scrapped the idea of the Indianapolis Marathon and shifted my focus back to trails and distance, as did Sarah. Many weeks later, Sarah pitched the idea of running Indy again. "Why don't we just do it. Who cares what our time is? I really think we should." Ok great, but now Indy is about five weeks away, 2-3 of which are traditionally spent tapering. So we are now going to run this race having done not a whole lot of marathon specific speed training. We did a 6 pace run that very week and I thought I would die. It was miserable! Yes, it was warm. Yes, I was really tired and really sore from so much running. Yes, we did TRX and yoga that morning. But suddenly there was the reality that this was going to be a fight. And so I made the decision to taper big. The only way I would get through Indy was to simply rest. At this point, I could not gain anymore fitness for a race that close. I was either overdone from overtraining, lacked the speed component necessary, or both.
And so began the challenge of keeping it secret when our running group emails were flying around like crazy. What are you running? How long? What time? We are all constantly training for something... marathons, triathlons, duathlons. I mean, it is insane to keep up with what everyone is doing! I knew I needed a cover to defend my dramatic drop in mileage. The Stone Steps taper was my cover... and I wasn't lying! However I still worried someone would discover the full reason for such a long taper. The only other person outside of my household that knew was Erin. I accidentally sent Erin a text I intended to send Sarah and I had to explain. There was just no getting around it. So I fessed up and made her promise to keep it quiet, which she did :) Oh yes, and apparently Sarah had her mother and of course, husband, in the loop. I also told my mom, nonchalantly, on Friday afternoon. She came over to watch Lucy, who has been sick all week, while I went up to Indy to pick up our race packets. She asked if I was doing a marathon and I said, "Oh yes. Sarah and I are running Indy tomorrow for fun." Her reply was a very sweet, but unimpressed, "Oh that's nice, dear." I loved her response because I realized she didn't know I was racing for a BQ AND it has become normal to her that I just go out and run marathons. That actually was such a complimentary response :)
On to the good stuff! Sarah and I drove to Indy in the rain. We got to the start without a hitch and waited. I was so cold! It was about 50 degrees with a constant and cold drizzly rain. I had chosen to wear shorts and my favorite coral colored Team Mitch shirt, which actually ended up being perfect, but felt very inadequate at the start. Sarah handed me the official traveling St. Sebastian prayer card, which I tucked safely into my shorts pocket. The horn blew at 8:30 sharp and we were off! I have to say, I was in a good place mentally and physically. I felt relaxed and rested. It had been a tough week at our house. Lucy has been sick all week and was in our bed every single night, keeping us up most nights trying to keep her comfortable and listening to her cough. It's a miracle I didn't come down with what she has! But her feeling rotten forced me to stay home all week. It also allowed me to take naps with her during the day. Perfect for marathon week!
The first ten miles felt easier than I expected them to. I began to think that this might just happen after all. I know Sarah did too. For the next two miles, Sarah and I both fought needing to go to the bathroom badly. We kept waiting to spot a port o let and there just weren't any. When we FINALLY got to one right at mile 12, there was no choice in the matter. We HAD to stop. Unfortunately that stop set us back quite a bit. Our slowest mile up to that point was an 8:35, which we did on a hill. Mostly we ran in the 8:20s. Mile 13 was an 11:22, dropping our average pace nearly 20 seconds. Going into the restroom we were at an 8:27 average for the race so far, coming out, an 8:44. We had some catching up to do!
We picked up and ran. I have no idea what we were running at that point. Sarah was a pretty spot on pacer. Somewhere between miles 14-15, trouble began for me. Sarah said she knew exactly when it was because I stopped talking. The best way I can describe what it feel like when I accumulate lactic acid at a rapid pace is I get this burn that starts the top of my knees and begins to move up. My legs also become increasingly heavier. And so at that point it was trying to hang on to pace until I simply could not. The last mile I hit pace was mile 16. It was a quick decline and it was relentless. Mile 17 was an 8:44. And I won't lie... I was PISSED! I guess I just didn't expect it. Even though I knew I hadn't specifically trained to race this pace, I really didn't expect it to be a fight. At least not that early. So when the beginning felt as easy as it did, I somehow felt duped. And that, my friends, is the insanity of the marathon.
So I ran seriously ticked off for a couple of miles. Sarah was trying to get me to speed up and trying to encourage me. But when I get to that place, it only makes me madder. I was extremely sensitive and felt as though she thought I was sandbagging it. That it was maybe just soreness, but nothing I couldn't push through. I wanted to stop at one point and just look at her and say, "Do you really think I'm a freaking wimp? Do you not think I can handle pain when I run? Are you f*$king kidding me?? Do you not know I ran on BLISTERS FOR MILES with no sleep this summer? QUIT TALKING TO ME LIKE I CAN RUN FASTER, DAMMIT. I CANNOT!" Unbelievably, this was the point where she suggested a rosary. I did not tell her this yesterday. I was ready to flip out because I was just mad at the fact that I raced this stupid thing. And now, just like I feared, Stone Steps would just suck. Two crappy races in a row. Damn! When she said that, I nearly cried. Good old St. Sebastian in my pocket came to the rescue and diffused my anger through her simple and awesome suggestion. "Help me run the best I am able today..." was my prayer that day. I didn't know what that would mean. I was hoping it would mean a qualifying race, but I knew there is sometimes a bigger plan that I'm unable to see. I was beginning to become unglued and so to get me back on track to finish that bitch of a run, the Holy Spirit used this gal to get me to regroup. I don't imagine she realized she was being used in that way, but I sure did. She may think the race was a waste of a Saturday or of our energy when trying to get ready for next week. Pin a number on that girl and she just goes into super competitive racer mode. But I now see it as yet another stepping stone in our faith journey. Definitely NOT a wasted race.
I really couldn't help her say it, just like I couldn't help John during BR. She did it all. One decade at a time, with breaks in between. I won't lie... I was hating life and the f word was used frequently, but I was no longer angry. I knew it would end. I was certainly not in the same frame of mind that I was in July. How could this race, 1/4 the distance of that one, be SO MUCH HARDER for me? I decided (again) I hated racing marathons. I decided (again) I would never do it again. When I crossed the finish line, I (again) began thinking of a race strategy for the next attempt.
We finished in just under 4 hours. 3:59:21 is our official time. That is actually a new PR for us racing together. We did one other marathon together with Suttan and clocked a 4:02. I'll take it. We made 3 goals on the way to the race... Best case, sub 3:45... primary goal, sub 4 hours... fall back goal if all hell breaks loose, a finish.
Thanks for running with me, Sarah. You should consider a new career in pacing. Next weekend, I got your back.
I also feel the need to console my dear friend, Sarah, who believed with all her heart that yesterday would be THE day I ran a Boston qualifier. She certainly danced around saying that all week as to not cause any unnecessary pressure or anxiety for me, but she cannot fool me. She forgets that our friendship is so intertwined with running and that each of us knows how the other one thinks when racing. She used phrases like, "It's just a long run. Just like always. We are going to go out and have fun and get medals and chat about all sorts of things." Ummm, no. Not fooled one bit. Running 8:20-8:30 pace for 26.2 miles is not just "another long run" for either of us. Our long runs average about a minute slower. If on trails, even slower. Running that pace in a marathon (at least for me) is a race. No dancing around that fact. Mind you, Sarah is a naturally faster runner than I so this pace was really more like a faster training run for her. There is the difference. All things were not equal in that sense yesterday.
Before Burning River I decided that I would forego a fall marathon. I have run at least one every year since 2009. I made that decision assuming my recovery from BR100 would be much longer and more extensive. When I was back to running two weeks later and feeling pretty ok, I began to wonder if perhaps I could pull of a fall marathon. I then began to wonder just what would happen if I incorporated speed with all the miles I had in the bank. I could start adding in one to two speed workouts a week, combine that with the amount of endurance I had and just maybe, pull of a BQ. I pitched the idea to John, who by now just nods and says "Sure, ok. Good idea." Gone are the days he evens tries to reason with me about these things. That is why I love him so :). The catch was this... NO ONE WAS TO KNOW. I was going to tell NO ONE. I reasoned that the only true way I could relax and run an anything goes marathon, was to not have anyone tracking me. I realize that knowing you are being tracked on-line while you race fuels some to drive harder. For me, it zaps the energy right from me. It fills me with anxiety and I simply cannot run relaxed. It is the silliest thing ever and if I could help it, I would. I can't help that anymore than I can change my eye color. There is a young man on Will's cross country team who is a phenomenal runner, but he ran in only two meets this season. Bless his heart, he has such intense race anxiety that he simply cannot even start. When Will told me this, I was heartbroken for him. He could run circles around his teammates in practice, but the poor thing placed so much pressure on himself to perform that he just could not even get himself to the start. Although I can't fathom what that type of race anxiety must be like, to a degree I get it. I can't run circles around the people I run with, but I can certainly hang and train with them without difficulty. I like to use the quote that I read once about runners and why they are so addicted to running; "To those who do it, no explanation is necessary. To those who don't, no explanation is possible." That is what it is like trying to discuss race anxiety with someone who experiences it vs. someone who doesn't.
Not even one week after I decided that I would run this race secretly, I'm out running with Sarah. And damn it if I can't stand keeping it to myself another minute! So I tell her I'm thinking of running the Indianapolis Marathon under the radar. I tell her it is the week before the Stone Steps 50k, which by the way, we are both going to run. I figured she would tell me that it is a ridiculous idea and I should not. I thought she would say I was flirting with disaster and injury. That it was too risky to do that the week before an ultra. But ultras don't scare me anymore (well, the 100 miler did scare me). I love to run long. I love it very much. I just don't love to run long at a racing pace. But Sarah said something I completely did not expect. "I'll do it with you." Huh? No. No way. Forget it. I am not having her give up a Saturday in the fall with all the kids activities. Why the hell did I open my big mouth? "No, that's ok, Sarah. I really just want to do this on my own. Drive up that morning, run hard and come home. I don't want you to do this." "Oh come ON! It'll be just like a long run. It'll be fun! No pressure, we will just run. Seriously! It'll be my tenth marathon and I just want a medal. Plus, I know you can run a BQ. You have soooo much endurance and if you do speed, you are there." And she got me. Hook, line and sinker. I agreed to let her run with me.
We ran roughly two speed workouts together and I changed my mind. I decided I would rather run a really good Stone Steps than risk running two mediocre or crappy races two weeks in a row. I scrapped the idea of the Indianapolis Marathon and shifted my focus back to trails and distance, as did Sarah. Many weeks later, Sarah pitched the idea of running Indy again. "Why don't we just do it. Who cares what our time is? I really think we should." Ok great, but now Indy is about five weeks away, 2-3 of which are traditionally spent tapering. So we are now going to run this race having done not a whole lot of marathon specific speed training. We did a 6 pace run that very week and I thought I would die. It was miserable! Yes, it was warm. Yes, I was really tired and really sore from so much running. Yes, we did TRX and yoga that morning. But suddenly there was the reality that this was going to be a fight. And so I made the decision to taper big. The only way I would get through Indy was to simply rest. At this point, I could not gain anymore fitness for a race that close. I was either overdone from overtraining, lacked the speed component necessary, or both.
And so began the challenge of keeping it secret when our running group emails were flying around like crazy. What are you running? How long? What time? We are all constantly training for something... marathons, triathlons, duathlons. I mean, it is insane to keep up with what everyone is doing! I knew I needed a cover to defend my dramatic drop in mileage. The Stone Steps taper was my cover... and I wasn't lying! However I still worried someone would discover the full reason for such a long taper. The only other person outside of my household that knew was Erin. I accidentally sent Erin a text I intended to send Sarah and I had to explain. There was just no getting around it. So I fessed up and made her promise to keep it quiet, which she did :) Oh yes, and apparently Sarah had her mother and of course, husband, in the loop. I also told my mom, nonchalantly, on Friday afternoon. She came over to watch Lucy, who has been sick all week, while I went up to Indy to pick up our race packets. She asked if I was doing a marathon and I said, "Oh yes. Sarah and I are running Indy tomorrow for fun." Her reply was a very sweet, but unimpressed, "Oh that's nice, dear." I loved her response because I realized she didn't know I was racing for a BQ AND it has become normal to her that I just go out and run marathons. That actually was such a complimentary response :)
On to the good stuff! Sarah and I drove to Indy in the rain. We got to the start without a hitch and waited. I was so cold! It was about 50 degrees with a constant and cold drizzly rain. I had chosen to wear shorts and my favorite coral colored Team Mitch shirt, which actually ended up being perfect, but felt very inadequate at the start. Sarah handed me the official traveling St. Sebastian prayer card, which I tucked safely into my shorts pocket. The horn blew at 8:30 sharp and we were off! I have to say, I was in a good place mentally and physically. I felt relaxed and rested. It had been a tough week at our house. Lucy has been sick all week and was in our bed every single night, keeping us up most nights trying to keep her comfortable and listening to her cough. It's a miracle I didn't come down with what she has! But her feeling rotten forced me to stay home all week. It also allowed me to take naps with her during the day. Perfect for marathon week!
The first ten miles felt easier than I expected them to. I began to think that this might just happen after all. I know Sarah did too. For the next two miles, Sarah and I both fought needing to go to the bathroom badly. We kept waiting to spot a port o let and there just weren't any. When we FINALLY got to one right at mile 12, there was no choice in the matter. We HAD to stop. Unfortunately that stop set us back quite a bit. Our slowest mile up to that point was an 8:35, which we did on a hill. Mostly we ran in the 8:20s. Mile 13 was an 11:22, dropping our average pace nearly 20 seconds. Going into the restroom we were at an 8:27 average for the race so far, coming out, an 8:44. We had some catching up to do!
We picked up and ran. I have no idea what we were running at that point. Sarah was a pretty spot on pacer. Somewhere between miles 14-15, trouble began for me. Sarah said she knew exactly when it was because I stopped talking. The best way I can describe what it feel like when I accumulate lactic acid at a rapid pace is I get this burn that starts the top of my knees and begins to move up. My legs also become increasingly heavier. And so at that point it was trying to hang on to pace until I simply could not. The last mile I hit pace was mile 16. It was a quick decline and it was relentless. Mile 17 was an 8:44. And I won't lie... I was PISSED! I guess I just didn't expect it. Even though I knew I hadn't specifically trained to race this pace, I really didn't expect it to be a fight. At least not that early. So when the beginning felt as easy as it did, I somehow felt duped. And that, my friends, is the insanity of the marathon.
So I ran seriously ticked off for a couple of miles. Sarah was trying to get me to speed up and trying to encourage me. But when I get to that place, it only makes me madder. I was extremely sensitive and felt as though she thought I was sandbagging it. That it was maybe just soreness, but nothing I couldn't push through. I wanted to stop at one point and just look at her and say, "Do you really think I'm a freaking wimp? Do you not think I can handle pain when I run? Are you f*$king kidding me?? Do you not know I ran on BLISTERS FOR MILES with no sleep this summer? QUIT TALKING TO ME LIKE I CAN RUN FASTER, DAMMIT. I CANNOT!" Unbelievably, this was the point where she suggested a rosary. I did not tell her this yesterday. I was ready to flip out because I was just mad at the fact that I raced this stupid thing. And now, just like I feared, Stone Steps would just suck. Two crappy races in a row. Damn! When she said that, I nearly cried. Good old St. Sebastian in my pocket came to the rescue and diffused my anger through her simple and awesome suggestion. "Help me run the best I am able today..." was my prayer that day. I didn't know what that would mean. I was hoping it would mean a qualifying race, but I knew there is sometimes a bigger plan that I'm unable to see. I was beginning to become unglued and so to get me back on track to finish that bitch of a run, the Holy Spirit used this gal to get me to regroup. I don't imagine she realized she was being used in that way, but I sure did. She may think the race was a waste of a Saturday or of our energy when trying to get ready for next week. Pin a number on that girl and she just goes into super competitive racer mode. But I now see it as yet another stepping stone in our faith journey. Definitely NOT a wasted race.
I really couldn't help her say it, just like I couldn't help John during BR. She did it all. One decade at a time, with breaks in between. I won't lie... I was hating life and the f word was used frequently, but I was no longer angry. I knew it would end. I was certainly not in the same frame of mind that I was in July. How could this race, 1/4 the distance of that one, be SO MUCH HARDER for me? I decided (again) I hated racing marathons. I decided (again) I would never do it again. When I crossed the finish line, I (again) began thinking of a race strategy for the next attempt.
We finished in just under 4 hours. 3:59:21 is our official time. That is actually a new PR for us racing together. We did one other marathon together with Suttan and clocked a 4:02. I'll take it. We made 3 goals on the way to the race... Best case, sub 3:45... primary goal, sub 4 hours... fall back goal if all hell breaks loose, a finish.
Thanks for running with me, Sarah. You should consider a new career in pacing. Next weekend, I got your back.
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