Ready or NOT!

This is not a post about running.  It is not about pacing or racing or PRs or anything of the sort.  Well not really.

This is a post about my youngest daughter, Lucy.  I have written about Will, Emma and occasionally about Jack.  Seldom do I bring up Lucy.  As the days of summer come to a close, I find myself dealing with a bit of anxiety over Lucy's starting of all day, everyday kindergarten.

I'll be honest... the thought of 5 days a week to myself is mighty appealing.  Preschool is nothing more than a pain in the butt.  No sooner do you drop your child off at preschool and come home to clean up the breakfast dishes or go for a run and it's time to jump back in the car and pick her up again.   Some days I'd have rather kept her home.  Kindergarten will be different.  She will go to school with the big kids and come home with the big kids.  It's what I've been waiting for and dreaming about for the many years I've had small children home for most of the day.  I've had thoughts of all the things I'd do to fill my time, and the ideas are endless.  Returning to work is one of them.  I can go for long runs and not worry about the time.  I can start a project at home and not be interrupted 50 million times before deciding to just not do it at all.  I can go from the kitchen to my bedroom without a needy 5 year old yelling "MOMMY... WAIT FOR MEEEE!"  I can spend Fridays with just John, who has the day off... a tiny glimpse of what life will eventually be like as empty nesters.  I am so ready for this.  Or so I thought.

Lucy had orientation for kindergarten last week.  I took her to her classroom, listened to the plan for the school year by her teacher and then was to leave her with her class so that the teacher could have just the kids... begin to get to know them, tell them the routine, show them where the bathroom is, ect..  Lucy was a bit nervous that morning.  She was very clingy and kept saying "You'll be in the hallway, right mommy?  You won't leave, will you Mom?  Be RIGHT outside, ok, Mommy?"  I watched her closely as her eyes darted all over the room, as if she were searching for something familiar, warm and comforting.  But everything to her was new and I quickly realized, very big and very scary.  Suddenly it hit me that her feelings of fear are no different from that of an adult's feelings of fear.  The difference is how we as adults PERCEIVE our children's fears.  We know they will be fine and we know everything will be ok and so we sometimes get annoyed with their reaction to something that scares them.  They do not know it.  They are entering unfamiliar territory.  They are leaving the security of home and mom and baby-hood and that, my friends, must be the most terrifying thing in the world.

I reassured Lucy that I would be close.  She gripped my neck and buried her head so that no one would see her cry.  I felt her little body shaking and I had to compose myself a bit as this realization of her anxiety was hitting me hard.  I wanted her to know that I understood what it was like to be scared.  How often have things terrified me?  Things as simple as standing on the starting line of a race because I don't know what will happen and things as big as thinking Will was hit by a car 3 years ago when I heard the crunch of a bicycle from a passing car outside my window.  I know fear and I know it well and at all costs I want to protect my children from it.  I imagine this is what God feels like when we are scared of something.  He KNOWS things will be ok and wants us to know that.  He doesn't want us to feel anxious about anything, but just to simply trust and follow the plan.  How much I need to remember that!

Emma consoles Lucy

I stood up and left Lucy at her desk.  Emma was with me, but stayed close to her sister.  I saw Emma crouch down and sweetly try to console her scared little sister.  I remember doing that with my younger sisters a couple of times.  What a beautiful thing for a mother to see!

Please don't go, mom!

I went to the cafeteria and waited for Lucy as promised.  I barely heard a word of the principal or PTC president.  All I could do was think of Lucy and hope she was ok.  I knew she was in the hands of a wonderful and kind teacher.  I just didn't know if she was still upset.

Thirty minutes later I got to see a smiling and happy little girl bouncing down the hallway in line with her new classmates heading to the bathroom.  She beamed as she passed me and I whispered "Thank you, God."  Lucy was going to be just fine.

I needed that experience for many reasons.  I needed it to be more compassionate about my children's fears.  I needed it to realize that when I am afraid, God is reminding me that everything really is going to be ok, like I was telling Lucy.  I needed it to realize I am not a heartless mother who just can't wait for the kids to be gone so that I can spend my days without them.  In contrast, I think Thursday is going to be very difficult for me.  The way I feel right now, I have no qualms about bumping her down to 3 day kindergarten instead of 5 so that I can hang on just a smidge longer.

So parents, whether it's kindergarten, jr. high, high school or college.  Whether it's a new school or a new adventure in your child's life... be kind to them if they are scared.  Their fear is very real and very big.  

I love kindergarten, mommy!

And now I must go run :)