Right now, more than ever, I need the psychological release that long runs provide. Unfortunately, physically, I also need this downtime.
These days I find myself wishing for the simplicity of small children and their small issues over the complexity of big children and their bigger issues. I refer to, of course, my almost 14, 11, 10 and 6 year old. I imagine that those with even older kids, say mid to upper teens, are thinking, "Oh honey, just you wait. Yours are still young!" And I know that. But the glimpse of the uncertainty of the years ahead is a bit scary and some days I want to go back to babies who have kept me up all night, skinned knees and crying over having to take a nap.
Each of my kids needs me right now. They need me in ways they never have even if they don't necessarily want me. This is especially true with Will, 14 next month. This very easy going, loving, sensitive and funny boy has transformed into this moody, argumentative, know it all teen. He pushes my buttons, pushes his limits and many days we go head to head in battle. I often find myself wondering if I just need to be silent and listen or continue arguing my point to make sure he gets it. All I can think of is the fact that I have one chance to not blow it. There are no do-overs when raising kids. I believe God knows my fears and occasionally sends me messages that I (or I should say WE) are doing a good job and that he is on his way to becoming a wonderful young man, despite the bumpy road. Will recently wrote a student essay for a high school application. In it, he mentioned how fortunate he is to be growing up in such a faith-filled family. He described this influence as being one that he hopes helps him lead others. During the last two weeks, I have gone back to that in my mind to help ease some of the anxiety I have right now. If he really means that, and I believe he does, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he will be just fine.
Jack, 10 next week, has very different needs. At the age of 6, based on a thorough assessment of his teachers, pediatrician and us (John and me), was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD. I scratched my head at the diagnosis back then since Jack is not hyperactive, nor is he really a discipline problem. I now realize that the "H" (for hyperactive) is just standardly put into most attention deficit diagnosis. When this was first discovered, I was adamantly opposed to medicating him. I made myself extremely clear that this was not a route we wanted to take. Thankfully, our pediatrician was sensitive to our wishes and helped give us ways to manage his inattention and focus ability so that he could do well in school.
With that discussion, however, came a warning... "As the workload in school becomes harder and more focus and attention is needed, no matter how intelligent he is, he may begin struggling to maintain his grades. Often times we begin to see these kids bringing home Ds and Fs in about the 3rd or 4th grade, where they were bringing home As and Bs before. At this point, many parents find themselves needing to introduce meds and when they do, their children's grades go back to As and Bs since they are able to focus and pay attention."
His words were eerily prophetic. That is exactly what is happening right now. Only I am still trying my best to manage his inability to focus on difficult tasks without medication. We have turned our house upside down revamping his diet, removing things we have researched as being harmful for kids like Jack and putting him on a diet that has been shown to help these kids. Let it be known that this is killing us. We spend hours doing homework, most of the time trying to get him to just sit down and start working (or stay down and continue working). He forgets everything and is the most disorganized child you will ever meet. He refused to go to basketball practice yesterday and instead came home in the carpool and told me he quit. I was so angry until I looked into his little face and saw the fear he had telling me. Sports are getting harder for him. He can't remember the drills or where he is supposed to be on the court. He's small and can't make a lay-up (he told me as he cried). The other kids are bigger and better. My heart breaks for him and yet I know that there are other kids with MUCH bigger challenges in life. But he is MY kid and he is struggling and this is very hard for me to watch and wonder if I am doing him a terrible disservice by my refusal to medicate. His 10 year check up is December 5th, where we will go back to the drawing board and discuss all of our options.
I sometimes forget that 6 is still little. I think we are out of the woods when it comes to needing a watchful eye on Lucy around the house. Things don't need to be baby proofed anymore. I don't need to put the liquor up high (on the contrary, these days I keep it VERY close) and she is free to run about without me needing to follow her. So on Friday night when she crawled across the stove, putting her hand on the hot range in an effort to reach the salt shaker, I was reminded that she IS still little. Lucy has 2nd degree burns across her entire palm and some of her finger tips. I had no idea how serious this is when it happens on the hand. She earned a trip to the ER, where the on-call physician told John that a consult at Shriners Burns Institute would be a good idea. We thought he was being a little over the top until yesterday. Last evening I spoke to a neighbor who is a fire fighter and paramedic. His 6 year old recently burned her elbow on the stove and it became infected, causing a fever and earning her a nice round of antibiotics. Figuring he sees this sort of thing often, I texted him a picture, concerned about the redness around the large blisters. He texted me back and told me to call him. I did and he asked if we had been to Shriners. He began to tell me all the reasons it is necessary to get a consult there when a burn like this occurs... the high risk of infection due to it being on the hand, the fact that there are so many tendons in the hand that when the blister heals, the hand is likely to remain in a contracted state, requiring lots of PT to help release the scar tissue. Lucy is already holding her hand continuously in a "C" shape. He continued to tell me that every single child he has brought to Children's ER with this type of burn is sent over to Shriners. Huh? Her hand was off the burner in less than 1 second and we had it under cold water immediately. How could this have become such an ordeal? She sees the pediatrician at 9 this morning. I am hoping we don't have to cancel Thanksgiving for a Shriners admission!
The silver lining in our house these days is Emma, age 11. The most unlikely of the four to be showering me with hugs and love is indeed, showering me with hugs and love. Emma was the baby who didn't like to cuddle or be rocked. She was squirmy and on the move all the time. She was a rotten toddler, a punkish little girl and a sassy child. She has a quick temper and a sense of humor far beyond her years. She makes me crazy and she makes me laugh. And yet lately she has been my one child that has given me the affirmation I've needed that I am not failing my children. Emma is beautiful and graceful and funny as heck. She is fiercely protective of Lucy and a top notch student. I have yet to find a teacher who doesn't love having her in class and love her humor. When she is not home, I miss her presence. And I firmly believe that this will all come to a screeching halt in about 14 months, when she turns the ripe old age of.... 13.
But for now I am able to see how God works. Through all the uncertainty and worry of raising kids, there are constant messages that He is close and that I am doing ok as a mother. For these things I encounter daily, I am so grateful. Monday it was the hour and 10 minutes I spent running with Sarah, talking about many of these issues and so much more and feeling in good company with many of my motherly struggles. Yesterday it was Lucy telling me that when she grows up, she wants to be "a mommy, a nurse, and a marathoner..." It was Will giving me the requested hug in the morning and knowing it was sincere. It was watching Jack, once again, play priest (when he was supposed to be at basketball practice) and seeing the reverence and respect he had for the crucifix he was parading around. And it was Emma telling me she loved me as she hopped out of the car and in to school.
But mostly, it was John walking through the door at 5:11 pm and taking over :)
Happy Thanksgiving! In the midst of hardship and chaos, notice your blessings and the Divine presence that it with you always.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Another blog not really about running, but whateve... it's needed
I am still afraid, but after taking a step back, I decided that I simply need to focus on becoming a better, more spiritual, tolerant and wholesome person and not succumb to the hatred and division that is making Satan rejoice. But then I think of my children and the anger and panic come back. How do I raise these people to adhere to a moral code that society does not? How do I drive home the point that just because something is legal, doesn't make it right? And how do I do it without creating pompous, self righteous judges in the process? Why does this have to be SO HARD?
My 13 year old loves Instagram. If you don't know what that is, look it up. Too lazy to explain. Anyway, I follow him and the other day I was looking at the things he was posting. A lot of them were political poster pictures poking fun of President Obama. I immediately called him in and told him he needed to remove them and that he could not do that.
"Why? I'm just standing up for what I believe."
"No you aren't. You are being callous and disrespectful and you cannot do that. Respect the office, Will. It doesn't mean to have to like what he stands for, but if you are going to be stupid with social media, you cannot be on it anymore."
Ok, I'd better admit that I immediately wanted to go back and delete my angry post election entry should he see it. While I want my kids to adhere to a moral code different from that of our government, there is definitely a way NOT to do it. I am trying very hard not to be a "Do as I say, not as I do..." parent. Because any idiot knows that kids do what they see you do (even if they tell you that you are not cool and not funny).
So how do I go forward as a parent and as a Christian and as a runner (I just needed to throw running in there to make this mesh with the blog)?
There were a series of events that got me thinking about how to go about this. I am going to tell you, and I am really not proud of this, but on Wednesday I could not really bring myself to pray. I know, I know, never a good thing to give God the silent treatment. I was so mad at everything and everyone. I knew I needed to stop and just say some prayers, but I was busy being ticked. So I ignored that ever present voice inside my head telling me to hit my knees. But that God is so clever and does not like to be ignored. He simply will draw your attention to things, that if you are aware of His constant presence, show you what He wants you to do.
The first was a greeting card I received on Monday from a dear friend with a beautiful and sweet message. As I was shuffling some papers on my desk, the card I had already read, caught my eye (this was on Wednesday). I opened it up again and read it again. One of the sentences said something about being awed by my "deep commitment to love unconditionally." Immediately I stopped what I was doing. All day my mind had been filled with resentment and anger. That one line suddenly made me feel like a fraud. I was anything but "loving unconditionally" that day.
The next was my creeping on Will's Instagram account (poor kid hates that I follow him... too bad he has no choice :) Doing this made me realize what a hypocrite I was by telling him to essentially "hate the sin, love the sinner." Didn't I love the idea of "outbreeding those bastards"?
On Thursday morning, I was driving home from dropping the kids off at school. I was listening to 93.3, which now is featuring Christmas music. No judging... I could listen to Christmas music all year long and sometimes do. Anyway, the song "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" came on. I love that song, but have never really listened to the words. Thursday I did and boy, it's meaning could move a boulder to tears.
Finally, while I was ironing table cloths for Thanksgiving (stop being jealous of my exciting life and instead be proud that I am two weeks ahead on that task...), I got a text from my sister Maggie. And I hope you don't mind, Mag, but I am sharing it because it was very powerful.
"Well, I've resigned myself to implore the help of St. Paul, who like Obama, hated Christians, and yet he was converted. Converting the thug in chief is our only hope for the next 4 years...(icons with little sad faces)."
So maybe Maggie wasn't ENTIRELY Christian in her text, but her message was awesome. Suddenly things kind of clicked and I think I actually said out loud, "Ok. I hear you."
Hate breeds hate. Division and anger is just as big a threat to our country as its immoral laws. It is our duty to pray for one another. That is how change is made. That is the only way this great nation will stay great. This incredibly powerful message was coming at me from every direction, as evidenced by the things I just talked about.
So that is how I will go forward. I will pray for our president, our Senate, House and Supreme Court justices. I will pray that the decisions they make are in the best interest of the country and that whatever they are, they align with the will of God. If we all do this, miraculous things will happen. That is our only hope for change.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOC0HaGmOBg&feature=related
My 13 year old loves Instagram. If you don't know what that is, look it up. Too lazy to explain. Anyway, I follow him and the other day I was looking at the things he was posting. A lot of them were political poster pictures poking fun of President Obama. I immediately called him in and told him he needed to remove them and that he could not do that.
"Why? I'm just standing up for what I believe."
"No you aren't. You are being callous and disrespectful and you cannot do that. Respect the office, Will. It doesn't mean to have to like what he stands for, but if you are going to be stupid with social media, you cannot be on it anymore."
Ok, I'd better admit that I immediately wanted to go back and delete my angry post election entry should he see it. While I want my kids to adhere to a moral code different from that of our government, there is definitely a way NOT to do it. I am trying very hard not to be a "Do as I say, not as I do..." parent. Because any idiot knows that kids do what they see you do (even if they tell you that you are not cool and not funny).
So how do I go forward as a parent and as a Christian and as a runner (I just needed to throw running in there to make this mesh with the blog)?
There were a series of events that got me thinking about how to go about this. I am going to tell you, and I am really not proud of this, but on Wednesday I could not really bring myself to pray. I know, I know, never a good thing to give God the silent treatment. I was so mad at everything and everyone. I knew I needed to stop and just say some prayers, but I was busy being ticked. So I ignored that ever present voice inside my head telling me to hit my knees. But that God is so clever and does not like to be ignored. He simply will draw your attention to things, that if you are aware of His constant presence, show you what He wants you to do.
The first was a greeting card I received on Monday from a dear friend with a beautiful and sweet message. As I was shuffling some papers on my desk, the card I had already read, caught my eye (this was on Wednesday). I opened it up again and read it again. One of the sentences said something about being awed by my "deep commitment to love unconditionally." Immediately I stopped what I was doing. All day my mind had been filled with resentment and anger. That one line suddenly made me feel like a fraud. I was anything but "loving unconditionally" that day.
The next was my creeping on Will's Instagram account (poor kid hates that I follow him... too bad he has no choice :) Doing this made me realize what a hypocrite I was by telling him to essentially "hate the sin, love the sinner." Didn't I love the idea of "outbreeding those bastards"?
On Thursday morning, I was driving home from dropping the kids off at school. I was listening to 93.3, which now is featuring Christmas music. No judging... I could listen to Christmas music all year long and sometimes do. Anyway, the song "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" came on. I love that song, but have never really listened to the words. Thursday I did and boy, it's meaning could move a boulder to tears.
Finally, while I was ironing table cloths for Thanksgiving (stop being jealous of my exciting life and instead be proud that I am two weeks ahead on that task...), I got a text from my sister Maggie. And I hope you don't mind, Mag, but I am sharing it because it was very powerful.
"Well, I've resigned myself to implore the help of St. Paul, who like Obama, hated Christians, and yet he was converted. Converting the thug in chief is our only hope for the next 4 years...(icons with little sad faces)."
So maybe Maggie wasn't ENTIRELY Christian in her text, but her message was awesome. Suddenly things kind of clicked and I think I actually said out loud, "Ok. I hear you."
Hate breeds hate. Division and anger is just as big a threat to our country as its immoral laws. It is our duty to pray for one another. That is how change is made. That is the only way this great nation will stay great. This incredibly powerful message was coming at me from every direction, as evidenced by the things I just talked about.
So that is how I will go forward. I will pray for our president, our Senate, House and Supreme Court justices. I will pray that the decisions they make are in the best interest of the country and that whatever they are, they align with the will of God. If we all do this, miraculous things will happen. That is our only hope for change.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOC0HaGmOBg&feature=related
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Retreat
It's time for a break. And I don't mean just in running mileage, but in other areas as well. Two days ago, six year old Lucy came home from school and wanted me to see her paperwork. Her sense of urgency was over the top.
"Mommy, you HAVE to see my stuff. I took a test today and I want you to see it. Oh and I did "dibels" and I was done in seventeen seconds mommy... SEVENTEEN! We actually get one minute, but I was done in seventeen. Isn't that GREAT?" Are you proud?" Dibels refers to a test that kindergarteners are given to test their recognition of numbers and letters and the sounds different letters make. They are supposed to recognize a minimum specific number in one minute. Apparently Lucy was quite proud that she crushed it all in seventeen seconds. And got them all correct.
"That's awesome, Lucy. Give me one second and I'll look at your stuff." I was preoccupied at the time. I was following an all important Facebook battle between two of my "friends". It was a political battle and the two people going back and forth were on opposing sides. It was getting quite heated.
"Mommy, look NOW! I don't want to wait. I want to show you."
I could feel the heat rising as she continued to hound me. It was honestly the first time I'd sat down.(except for the long two hour lunch I had just sat down for to celebrate a friend's birthday... funny I don't count that). I had just gotten on the computer ten minutes before the kids got home. Lucy continued to plead, which quickly turned into a whine. Jack walked in and immediately asks me if I'd gone out to get him the sweatshirt he had been asking for.
"Jack, I said you could have it for your birthday. Now please go away." Please go away? He'd been gone for nearly eight hours at school.
"That's STUPID. Why do I have to wait for my birthday?"
"Because you don't get anything you ask for just because you want it right now. Now GET OUT."
I finally slammed down my fist, shut down my screen and stomped downstairs. Lucy followed with her backpack in tow.
"Now will you look at my stuff?"
"Give it to me. I don't know why you guys can't just be patient. Jeez, you need attention 24/7 and God forbid I am not giving it to you the second you ask..."
And so it went on. My ranting about what ungrateful, selfish, needy little time suckers they were. I didn't actually say that, but my words definitely implied it. Emma and Will seemed unaffected. It was as if they'd heard this broken record so many times they could recite it word for word.
The evening went on as it normally does. I read a book and went to bed and woke up at 3:30 yesterday morning. I laid there with a very unsettling feeling. Something wasn't right and I could not put my finger on it. I got up, went downstairs and grabbed some coffee and went to my computer and as soon as Facebook popped up, I KNEW what it was. I was reminded of the exchange with Jack and Lucy the day before. I was immediately able to see that this virtual world in front of me had taken priority over my live children. All four of my kids are gone all day in school and when they get home, not only do they need my undivided attention, but they deserve it. And on so many levels, over and over again, I have failed to acknowledge that. Instead, I am dependent on a world that doesn't matter. I am over the top involved in lives that light up my computer screen. That doesn't mean the people on Facebook don't matter, it means that it shouldn't matter to me what the hell they had for dinner or what their kids are selling or why they think Obama is God (or Romney). At least it shouldn't matter at 3:40 in the afternoon. Maybe it should matter instead at 5:00 am, on a morning that I am not running. But then again, maybe it shouldn't matter then either. Facebook isn't bad. There are wonderful prayer pages and prayer chains that stem from Facebook. It's been a way to see my family from out of town and see my nieces and nephews grow up. It's been the way that my friends and I have built a running community and inspired so many in our town to run. It's been a way to promote businesses. And if I could limit myself to using it for just those things things, or in other words, find a healthy balance, it would work perfectly into my life.
And so I realized my harmful attachment to this thing that was affecting my parenting had to go, at least for a little while. I don't have the discipline to just not get on FB when my phone pings with notifications anytime I get a message or comment. So I deactivated my account until January 1st. Then I suppose I will reevaluate whether or not I even want to be back. Perhaps it's like an alcoholic saying they will have "just one beer..." But I am going to try to use it only for the above mentioned things.
My neighbor approached me last night and said "How will I get my Nora fix if you don't post?" I said that she may actually have to type in the web address... if she thought she could manage :)
I find it amazing, and then again I don't, that the things I pray for are answered in such an obvious way. I also ask for help in recognizing how they are being answered. I always ask for help to be a better mother and wife. All other earthly jobs or titles I have pale in comparison to the importance of those two. What reason did I have for waking up unsettled? Why did I know as soon as Facebook popped up what needed to be done? Some days I don't even know what to pray about or ask for and so my prayer is simple. "You know what I need today more than I do. Guide me." And so He did.
It is time for me to retreat from my usual world of running many miles and keeping up with virtual reality. It is time for rest and time for weeding out what does not matter. It is time to really cherish and give thanks for what is physically in front of me, begging for and needing my attention and guidance.
And what a perfect and beautiful season for such a retreat to begin!
"Mommy, you HAVE to see my stuff. I took a test today and I want you to see it. Oh and I did "dibels" and I was done in seventeen seconds mommy... SEVENTEEN! We actually get one minute, but I was done in seventeen. Isn't that GREAT?" Are you proud?" Dibels refers to a test that kindergarteners are given to test their recognition of numbers and letters and the sounds different letters make. They are supposed to recognize a minimum specific number in one minute. Apparently Lucy was quite proud that she crushed it all in seventeen seconds. And got them all correct.
"That's awesome, Lucy. Give me one second and I'll look at your stuff." I was preoccupied at the time. I was following an all important Facebook battle between two of my "friends". It was a political battle and the two people going back and forth were on opposing sides. It was getting quite heated.
"Mommy, look NOW! I don't want to wait. I want to show you."
I could feel the heat rising as she continued to hound me. It was honestly the first time I'd sat down.(except for the long two hour lunch I had just sat down for to celebrate a friend's birthday... funny I don't count that). I had just gotten on the computer ten minutes before the kids got home. Lucy continued to plead, which quickly turned into a whine. Jack walked in and immediately asks me if I'd gone out to get him the sweatshirt he had been asking for.
"Jack, I said you could have it for your birthday. Now please go away." Please go away? He'd been gone for nearly eight hours at school.
"That's STUPID. Why do I have to wait for my birthday?"
"Because you don't get anything you ask for just because you want it right now. Now GET OUT."
I finally slammed down my fist, shut down my screen and stomped downstairs. Lucy followed with her backpack in tow.
"Now will you look at my stuff?"
"Give it to me. I don't know why you guys can't just be patient. Jeez, you need attention 24/7 and God forbid I am not giving it to you the second you ask..."
And so it went on. My ranting about what ungrateful, selfish, needy little time suckers they were. I didn't actually say that, but my words definitely implied it. Emma and Will seemed unaffected. It was as if they'd heard this broken record so many times they could recite it word for word.
The evening went on as it normally does. I read a book and went to bed and woke up at 3:30 yesterday morning. I laid there with a very unsettling feeling. Something wasn't right and I could not put my finger on it. I got up, went downstairs and grabbed some coffee and went to my computer and as soon as Facebook popped up, I KNEW what it was. I was reminded of the exchange with Jack and Lucy the day before. I was immediately able to see that this virtual world in front of me had taken priority over my live children. All four of my kids are gone all day in school and when they get home, not only do they need my undivided attention, but they deserve it. And on so many levels, over and over again, I have failed to acknowledge that. Instead, I am dependent on a world that doesn't matter. I am over the top involved in lives that light up my computer screen. That doesn't mean the people on Facebook don't matter, it means that it shouldn't matter to me what the hell they had for dinner or what their kids are selling or why they think Obama is God (or Romney). At least it shouldn't matter at 3:40 in the afternoon. Maybe it should matter instead at 5:00 am, on a morning that I am not running. But then again, maybe it shouldn't matter then either. Facebook isn't bad. There are wonderful prayer pages and prayer chains that stem from Facebook. It's been a way to see my family from out of town and see my nieces and nephews grow up. It's been the way that my friends and I have built a running community and inspired so many in our town to run. It's been a way to promote businesses. And if I could limit myself to using it for just those things things, or in other words, find a healthy balance, it would work perfectly into my life.
And so I realized my harmful attachment to this thing that was affecting my parenting had to go, at least for a little while. I don't have the discipline to just not get on FB when my phone pings with notifications anytime I get a message or comment. So I deactivated my account until January 1st. Then I suppose I will reevaluate whether or not I even want to be back. Perhaps it's like an alcoholic saying they will have "just one beer..." But I am going to try to use it only for the above mentioned things.
My neighbor approached me last night and said "How will I get my Nora fix if you don't post?" I said that she may actually have to type in the web address... if she thought she could manage :)
I find it amazing, and then again I don't, that the things I pray for are answered in such an obvious way. I also ask for help in recognizing how they are being answered. I always ask for help to be a better mother and wife. All other earthly jobs or titles I have pale in comparison to the importance of those two. What reason did I have for waking up unsettled? Why did I know as soon as Facebook popped up what needed to be done? Some days I don't even know what to pray about or ask for and so my prayer is simple. "You know what I need today more than I do. Guide me." And so He did.
It is time for me to retreat from my usual world of running many miles and keeping up with virtual reality. It is time for rest and time for weeding out what does not matter. It is time to really cherish and give thanks for what is physically in front of me, begging for and needing my attention and guidance.
And what a perfect and beautiful season for such a retreat to begin!
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