Ready or NOT!

This is not a post about running.  It is not about pacing or racing or PRs or anything of the sort.  Well not really.

This is a post about my youngest daughter, Lucy.  I have written about Will, Emma and occasionally about Jack.  Seldom do I bring up Lucy.  As the days of summer come to a close, I find myself dealing with a bit of anxiety over Lucy's starting of all day, everyday kindergarten.

I'll be honest... the thought of 5 days a week to myself is mighty appealing.  Preschool is nothing more than a pain in the butt.  No sooner do you drop your child off at preschool and come home to clean up the breakfast dishes or go for a run and it's time to jump back in the car and pick her up again.   Some days I'd have rather kept her home.  Kindergarten will be different.  She will go to school with the big kids and come home with the big kids.  It's what I've been waiting for and dreaming about for the many years I've had small children home for most of the day.  I've had thoughts of all the things I'd do to fill my time, and the ideas are endless.  Returning to work is one of them.  I can go for long runs and not worry about the time.  I can start a project at home and not be interrupted 50 million times before deciding to just not do it at all.  I can go from the kitchen to my bedroom without a needy 5 year old yelling "MOMMY... WAIT FOR MEEEE!"  I can spend Fridays with just John, who has the day off... a tiny glimpse of what life will eventually be like as empty nesters.  I am so ready for this.  Or so I thought.

Lucy had orientation for kindergarten last week.  I took her to her classroom, listened to the plan for the school year by her teacher and then was to leave her with her class so that the teacher could have just the kids... begin to get to know them, tell them the routine, show them where the bathroom is, ect..  Lucy was a bit nervous that morning.  She was very clingy and kept saying "You'll be in the hallway, right mommy?  You won't leave, will you Mom?  Be RIGHT outside, ok, Mommy?"  I watched her closely as her eyes darted all over the room, as if she were searching for something familiar, warm and comforting.  But everything to her was new and I quickly realized, very big and very scary.  Suddenly it hit me that her feelings of fear are no different from that of an adult's feelings of fear.  The difference is how we as adults PERCEIVE our children's fears.  We know they will be fine and we know everything will be ok and so we sometimes get annoyed with their reaction to something that scares them.  They do not know it.  They are entering unfamiliar territory.  They are leaving the security of home and mom and baby-hood and that, my friends, must be the most terrifying thing in the world.

I reassured Lucy that I would be close.  She gripped my neck and buried her head so that no one would see her cry.  I felt her little body shaking and I had to compose myself a bit as this realization of her anxiety was hitting me hard.  I wanted her to know that I understood what it was like to be scared.  How often have things terrified me?  Things as simple as standing on the starting line of a race because I don't know what will happen and things as big as thinking Will was hit by a car 3 years ago when I heard the crunch of a bicycle from a passing car outside my window.  I know fear and I know it well and at all costs I want to protect my children from it.  I imagine this is what God feels like when we are scared of something.  He KNOWS things will be ok and wants us to know that.  He doesn't want us to feel anxious about anything, but just to simply trust and follow the plan.  How much I need to remember that!

Emma consoles Lucy

I stood up and left Lucy at her desk.  Emma was with me, but stayed close to her sister.  I saw Emma crouch down and sweetly try to console her scared little sister.  I remember doing that with my younger sisters a couple of times.  What a beautiful thing for a mother to see!

Please don't go, mom!

I went to the cafeteria and waited for Lucy as promised.  I barely heard a word of the principal or PTC president.  All I could do was think of Lucy and hope she was ok.  I knew she was in the hands of a wonderful and kind teacher.  I just didn't know if she was still upset.

Thirty minutes later I got to see a smiling and happy little girl bouncing down the hallway in line with her new classmates heading to the bathroom.  She beamed as she passed me and I whispered "Thank you, God."  Lucy was going to be just fine.

I needed that experience for many reasons.  I needed it to be more compassionate about my children's fears.  I needed it to realize that when I am afraid, God is reminding me that everything really is going to be ok, like I was telling Lucy.  I needed it to realize I am not a heartless mother who just can't wait for the kids to be gone so that I can spend my days without them.  In contrast, I think Thursday is going to be very difficult for me.  The way I feel right now, I have no qualms about bumping her down to 3 day kindergarten instead of 5 so that I can hang on just a smidge longer.

So parents, whether it's kindergarten, jr. high, high school or college.  Whether it's a new school or a new adventure in your child's life... be kind to them if they are scared.  Their fear is very real and very big.  

I love kindergarten, mommy!

And now I must go run :)

Five weeks and counting

Come Saturday, there are five more weeks until the Air Force Marathon.   Even typing that makes my heart race just a little bit.  I should be out doing an easy run right now and counting up the weeks and realizing just how close it is makes it hard to sit here.  But I know that is for the best.  I am taking an interval class today and I'm slightly tired and I really have figured out that sometimes it's best to scrap a run than to do the run.  We are running two very long runs in one week and I need to be careful, especially so close to the race.  It is with baited breath that I say I am healthy.  Nothing hurts, my calves are cooperative and I feel well trained and strong.  True I've had some runs that make me think I suck, but I've been doing this dog and pony show long enough to respect what the awful feeling training runs are telling me.

It has been nearly two years since I've raced a marathon.  I realize that strategy will bring me to my goal.  The average pace I need for this race is achievable for me.  I know this based on many things, but how I go out and execute it will decide whether I get it or not.  The goal is for me to stick to my race plan.  Don't let the start line suddenly make me stupid as it has so often done before.  Don't let the official pacer with my needed time play any role whatsoever in how I run.  His race strategy could be far different from mine.

I already know that if the forecast calls for a high of over 85 degrees that day, I will not race.  I will run it at long run pace and race the Indianapolis Marathon 4 weeks later, which would put me to Boston 2014 instead of 2013.  No biggie... it'll be there.

I know that if I indeed am racing Air Force, I will arrive with a strong and determined mind and nervous as HELL!  I will not say "we'll see..." or "I'm just not sure I'm feeling it today..." or "this and that is bothering me...."  Even if any of that is true, no one wants to hear it and I don't' want to hear it from myself.  Last week I was telling Suttan that I read a funny article in Marathon and Beyond about a guy's recap of an ultra he'd done.  He said that "perfect weather" is the worst thing for an ultra runner because they can't use it as an excuse for a slow time.  He began to jokingly poke fun of the starting line list of excuses (he included himself in this group).... "I'm just using this as a training run...." was the most common verbalization.  Then from somewhere in the back of the crowd you may hear "Yeah, doctor said it turns out I have no bones in my left leg.  He said to go slow and make sure I take plenty of "S" caps."  Not to be outdone by that, you then hear "Well my doctor said that my kidney should be available any day.  He said to go extra slow and double up on the "S" caps."  I was trying to read this to John and was laughing so hard I could hardly get the words out.  What made it funny is that we all do it (maybe not the no bones or kidney transplant excuse, but still).  We protect our precious pride early on from the critiquing of others and from ourselves.  Not that there aren't any perfectly good reasons why we sometimes do terribly in a race.  Weather IS a factor.  So is making sure you are running injury free.  Of course those things play a big role.  So do pacing, fueling and many, many other things.  So I am trying to get these things ironed out BEFORE I get there... ok, I can't iron out the weather, but I have a plan for hot weather :)

If I don't get my time goal, I'll be disappointed.  I won't, however, be crushed.  Knowing that may be the difference in how I approach the start.  Previously, I was heartbroken, but I will not be this time.  I don't want condolences at the finish line or well intended apologies on my Facebook page, because I won't need them.  

Finally, I read something that I think about often and it makes me feel really good about the upcoming marathon.  For anyone unsure of a goal they have set for themselves, this is good to read:

"Is there any satisfaction in reaching a goal that is easy?  Goals should be a little bit scary.  That small bit of fear will be what makes you work hard and train well."  Jeff Galloway

What I needed

As has been the case for a couple of weeks now, I awoke in a sullen mood.  I drug myself out of bed and made a bee line for the coffee pot.  As I stood against the kitchen counter, I found myself craving a long solo run.  I was aiming for 6-8 miles at an easy pace.  But that was not to be today.  I had agreed to meet one of the guys who is rather new to our running group and has been out for a couple of weeks.  He asked if I had any runs he could join me on this week and I told him Wednesday was his best bet for the pace he wanted.

But honestly, today I just didn't feel like it.  I didn't want to chat or make small talk with anyone.  I wanted to take my bad mood and literally run it off.  I wanted to clear my head, think about some things and immerse myself in some MUCH needed prayer time.  Every so often, when this type of mood develops, running alone is the best medicine for me.  And after a crappy feeling pace training run yesterday, the type that messes with racing confidence, I just needed to do my own thing.
I wasn't going to tell Tim that.  He'd surely think it were some excuse to avoid running with him as I often think people that are new to running heavily rely on the company of others to get them motivated and out the door (completely understandable).  It's very easy to talk yourself out of a run when no one is counting on you to be there.

When my coffee was ready, I went to my computer to read my friend Aleisa's blog and check on baby Nora.  This is the routine I have settled into since the birth of Nora in April.  As I read Aleisa's post, chills crept over me as Aleisa recounted a clear example of God's glaring presence in her life yesterday. How I crave having the type of faith she does!  I was reminded of how compassionate, how loving and how REAL God is.  And when we wholeheartedly believe in Him and His love for us, our prayers are answered.  Sometimes, as seen in Aleisa's case, immediately.  I realized how many people would read that, then take something difficult out onto their back decks and pray.  Perhaps they would be disheartened when the thing they desired the most didn't suddenly appear like it did for Aleisa.  Perhaps those with a complete lack of faith would think "Yup, that's what I figured... nothing..." and go back to their day, unaffected as usual.  I know better than to think that way.

With Nora fresh on my mind, I headed out the door and up the street.  I must've been very deep in thought as a voice from the other side of the street said "Mornin' Kate.".  I looked over in the still darkish morning to see Tim waving.  I ran across the street to chit chat with him and we headed down to Sarah's studio where she and Ryan would join in for part of our run.  Tim and I ran at a very comfortable, conversational pace, discussing our recent vacations, work, kids and road construction on Harrison Avenue.  We got to Sarah's studio where Ryan and Sarah joined us.  Thank God I have people to run with who honestly know the meaning of taking it easy!  We have evolved from the days of trying to be tough and running hard when we shouldn't be.  We can be real and sometimes real is "We all feel like shit and are sluggish and a 10 minute or slower pace suits us today.... oh and yes, some of us can run some damn fast races too!"  My mood had begun to lift as soon as I started running and now it was just about gone at this realization.  We did our loop, dropped Tim off at home along the way and continued down to Sarah's place.  With Ryan and Sarah done, I headed back up Harrison Ave to home.  I had no music to distract me so I just began to think.  I thought about how my morning started and how it was shaping up.  I wanted to run alone, but what I needed was to run with the people I did.  Now I was getting in my alone time.  What began with a morning wallowed in self-pity and grumpiness was replaced with gratitude and peacefulness.  I got home and was greeted by one messy, haired, sleepy-eyed five year old who didn't care that her momma was sweaty, gross and stinky.  For her sake, I went and quickly changed into dry clothes and came downstairs, scooped her up and read her a book.

God is all around us.  He gives us what we need all the time (that is not always what we think we want)  When we pay attention and recognize it, it is incredible.

Thank you God for giving me what I needed today and everyday.